


Who I Am With You

by sailorsdelight



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-15 08:23:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4599708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sailorsdelight/pseuds/sailorsdelight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A/U: There is no loophole in Angel's curse. Picks up during BtVS S4/Angel S1. <br/>So their lives weren't picture perfect. They were okay with it though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Summertime Sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is how I hope things would unfold if Angel never had a loophole in his curse. The whole loophole thing seems kind of absurd if you think about it - if the gypsies wanted Angelus gone forever, they would have made sure there was no way he could come back (therefore no loophole). And wouldn't they have made sure Angel's soul was permanent so he would always suffer and be tormented by his sins? Yeah, so in this story there is no loophole in Angel's curse. Season 2 of BtVS stayed pretty much the same. Spike and Drusilla still stayed in Sunnydale and did all the same things as in the show, minus Angelus. Jenny was never killed by Angelus, and she and Giles are together. Spike and Drusilla planned on opening Acathla, but couldn't figure out how to do it. Drusilla still killed Kendra, activating Faith. This story picks up after "The Harsh Light of Day" and "In the Dark."  
> Enjoy!

Buffy paced the street outside the large building, brow furrowed, nervously chewing on her nail.

“What am I _doing_ here?” she whispered to herself, angrily.

The ring. Right. After Buffy gave the Gem of Amarra to Oz to give to Angel, she heard from Cordelia that he had smashed it. Furious that he would throw away such a precious gift, Buffy hopped in her Jeep and sped to Los Angeles. Once she parked out front of the building that was home to Angel Investigations did she actually stop and think what the point of this road trip was.

She wanted to give Angel a piece of her mind. She was still angry and hurt that he had left her, but to throw away this gift? It was too much for Buffy. It called into question everything she had valued about their relationship.

_Ex-relationship,_ Buffy reminded herself with a pang in her stomach.

She took a deep breath, opened the door, and marched up the stairs until she reached the door to the office. It only then occurred to her that there might not be anyone actually there this time of night.

Luckily there was, and the sight of a slightly confused Cordelia greeted Buffy.

“Buffy?” Cordelia asked, standing up from behind the desk. “What are you doing here?”

“Hey Cordy,” Buffy replied, suddenly uneasy. “Is Angel here?”

“You couldn’t have called?” Cordelia replied. Buffy just blinked at her. “Is this about the ring?” Cordy guessed from her blank stare.

“Yeah,” Buffy replied.

Cordy sighed. “I told him he was an idiot for smashing it.” She sighed again and nodded in the direction of the stairs. “He’s downstairs.”

“Thanks, Cordy,” Buffy said, heading over to the elevator.

“Good luck.”

Buffy gave her a grateful look as she opened the elevator door and stepped inside.

* * *

 

Angel looked up from the book he was reading when he heard the elevator descend into the apartment. He knew Cordelia was still upstairs working; maybe Doyle had a vision and called. _Damn,_ Angel thought to himself. He was looking forward to a quiet night in after the whole Spike debacle.

As the elevator slowly descended, Angel caught the scent of the last person he ever expected. _No…it can’t be…_

But it was. Buffy stepped out of the elevator and looked around the basement apartment. Angel immediately stood up from his spot on the couch and put his book down. “Buffy?” he asked. “What are you doing here?” She didn’t answer him, but continued to look at the décor in the apartment. “Are you okay?” Angel asked after a moment.

Buffy finally laid her eyes on him. It was so good to see him again. So familiar, so comforting. It felt like coming home. She swallowed her feelings, ignored his question, and said, “City of Angels? Really? Not very creative, are we now.”

She walked into the kitchen and ran her hand along the table as Angel watched her, not knowing why she was here, or what he should say.

Buffy composed her thoughts and asked him point blank. “Why’d you destroy the ring, Angel?”

Angel stared a moment before asking, “That’s why you’re here?” Buffy gave him a look that screamed, ‘Well, duh!’

“How did you know?” Angel asked.

“Cordy and I talk,” Buffy replied simply.

After a moment Angel answered, “I don’t deserve it, Buffy.”

Buffy sighed and threw her arms up in exasperation. “How many times have we argued about this?” she asked him. When he didn’t answer she continued. “You’re allowed to be happy, Angel. You don’t have to wallow in self-pity. Let yourself live for once!” Angel looked like he was about to say something but Buffy cut him off. “You say you’re not part of the human world, and you’re miserable about it. So I give you something to make it easier. And you throw it away?”

“It was too dangerous, Buffy,” Angel said, stepping into the kitchen so the table was between them. “A vampire that can’t be killed? You know how many vamps would be after me, after the people I care about, to get that ring? And what if it fell into the wrong hands. Someone worse than Spike.”

Buffy was silent, grudgingly seeing his point. “Well, I was thinking more about the sunlight thing,” she said. She took a breath and continued, slightly hesitant. “And maybe, if you could go outside in the day, that you’d rethink this whole situation,” she said, gesturing between them. At Angel’s look, she clarified, “Us.”

“Us?” Angel repeated. “What made you think that?”

Buffy sighed, getting frustrated. “You broke up with me for this whole laundry list of reasons, one of which was that you couldn’t ‘take me into the sunlight’” she said, using her fingers as sarcastic air-quotes. “I thought this could solve that problem,” she finished, not looking him in the eye.

“Buffy, that wasn’t the only reason I left you,” Angel told her. She wouldn’t meet his eyes, but he stared at her intently. It was just so, so good to see her again. To be in her presence.

“I know, I know, the whole kids thing and the living forever thing,” Buffy said, waving her hand as if dismissing the statement. “That’s bullshit, Angel, and you know it,” she said, finally staring him in the eye.

“You’re going to want a normal life someday, and I’m not going to stand in your way, or hold you back,” Angel told her.

“Hold me back?” Buffy repeated incredulously. “Angel, if anything you push me forward! You train with me, you make me sharper, a better fighter! You’re the perfect partner for a Slayer.”

Angel looked torn. “Buffy, stop,” he said. “I can’t give you anything a normal man could. It’s not fair to you.”

“Oh what, like kids?” Buffy asked. “You seriously think a Slayer would be candidate for Mom of the Year? A _Slayer_ , Angel,” she repeated, with more emphasis. “She who is out all night, being attacked left and right, guaranteed to die young? Yeah, sounds like a great mother.” Angel stayed silent. He could literally see her destroying his argument before his eyes. “What you can offer me, is _you_ ,” Buffy said quietly. “That’s all I want.”

“Buffy…” Angel said. He didn’t know what to say. He could feel his resolve weakening.

Buffy stepped around the table and started to walk closer to him. “I’m not gonna live long,” she said. Angel snapped his eyes to her and opened his mouth to argue, but Buffy cut him off. “That’s just the way it is. It’s just not in the cards for me. And you can make the time I have left so happy and so good.”

Angel was still silent, just staring at her. Buffy could see him about to break.

“We can be amazing together,” she said softly. “Why are you giving up on that?”

The last straw in Angel’s resolve broke and he closed his eyes and sighed. She was right. She’ll never have a normal life. She will most likely die young. If he is her source of joy, who is he to deny her that?

Angel reached out and pushed her hair back from her face, tracing his hand down her cheek to her tan neck, and settling on her shoulder. Buffy stepped forward and after a beat wrapped her arms around his middle and burrowed into his chest. Angel smoothed his hand down her hair and wrapped his other arm around her tight. Holding her felt so good, so right. He placed a light kiss on top of her head and whispered, “I love you.”

Buffy pulled back and looked up at him, “I love you. Please, we have to make this work.”

Angel nodded and rested his forehead against hers. Buffy sniffled a bit, realizing that her eyes were getting watery. “Promise me,” she whispered, centimeters from his lips. “Promise me you won’t leave me.”

“I promise,” Angel whispered back. He inched closer and brushed his lips against hers, and almost groaned at the feeling. After months apart, feeling her warm, soft lips against his was heaven. They moved their lips against each other slowly, lazily, tasting and feeling. Buffy broke away for air and burrowed her face in Angel’s shoulder, tightening her arms around his neck.

Angel tightened his grip around her body and dropped a kiss to her shoulder. Buffy mumbled something against him, and he chuckled a little. “What was that?” he asked, craning his neck to look down at her.

Buffy pulled back and looked up at him. “What do we do now?” she asked. “I have to stay in Sunnydale, you know school, Hellmouth, all that. And you have a mission here. What do we do?”

For once, Angel was the voice of reason in the relationship. “You do realize that we both have cars, and Sunnydale and LA are only about 2 hours apart. With traffic,” he said with a small smile.

Buffy smiled, looking relived. She nodded and said, “Okay, long-distance thing. I can do that. You go there, I come here. That doesn’t sound too bad. Just as long as I can see you. God, I’ve been so miserable since you left.”

“Me too,” Angel replied. “It’s really sucked.”

“I tried the normal boy thing,” Buffy said before she could stop herself. “I really did try, and I thought it was gonna be okay, that it was good, but God, he turned out to be so horrible, and he wasn’t you and I don’t wanna settle for anyone not you…”

“Shhh,” Angel said, stopping her ramble. He held her face in his hand as she clutched desperately around his neck. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I just want you to be happy…I’m gonna do everything I can to make you happy.”

Buffy nodded at him, tears threatening to fall. She leaned forward and pressed her lips against his again. As she slid her tongue between his lips, the air around them changed, and the passion that they so frequently experienced between them grew.

Buffy broke away for air, and Angel continued to kiss his way down her neck, stopping for a moment to suck at the scar he left her with. “Were you planning on staying the night?” he mumbled into her skin.

Buffy ran her fingers though the soft hair at the back of his head with one hand, and clutched at his back with the other one, loving the feeling of his muscles under his shirt. “Well now I am,” she said breathlessly.

Angel pulled back and looked down at her, his eyes dark. “Good,” he said with a smirk. He held her tiny hands in his own, and walked backwards, tugging her into his bedroom.

They had a lot of catching up to do.


	2. What Separates Boys From Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be a multi-chapter fic with little snippets of Buffy and Angel's life after they got back together in the previous chapter. I'll make a note in the beginning of the chapter if anything is different from cannon (and yes, it will be). I think the only thing to know for this chapter is that Willow and Buffy live in an apartment in Sunnydale together, and Xander and Oz are roommates across the hall.  
> Enjoy!

Buffy clutched at the sheet she lay on top of desperately, eyes closed tight, breathing shallow, focused solely on one goal.

_*Knock, knock, knock*_

She heard the sound but pushed it out of her mind, trying to stay focused on the mind-blowing sensations Angel’s tongue was currently causing.

_*Knock, knock*_ It was a little louder this time, and a voice followed. “Buffy? I need your help!”

Angel stopped and looked up at Buffy from his spot between her legs. “Don’t you dare stop,” she said breathlessly, looking down at him.

_*KNOCK, KNOCK_ * “Buffy! I know you’re in there!” came the voice from behind the door.

Angel glared up at his girlfriend and said, “I am NOT doing _this_ with Xander standing five feet away.”

Buffy groaned and yelled in the direction of her bedroom door, “Someone better be dead or dying, Xander!” Angel rested his face on her thigh, sighing loudly.

“Well, no….but I really need your help!” Xander said through the closed door.

Buffy groaned again in frustration and leaned over the edge of her bed, snatching the shirt that laid on the floor. She tugged it over her head as Angel moved up the bed with a low growl and lay on his back, pulling the blanket up so it was covering his waist.

Buffy stomped over to the door and threw it open to see Xander, his fist raised as if about to knock again.

“What!” Buffy spat out at him.

Xander looked her over: the slightly tousled hair, the large men’s shirt that bore the LA Kings logo on the front (one he was fairly certain he had seen Angel wearing while lounging around the girls apartment on previous weekend visits), and bare legs. He dared a glance behind her and saw Angel lying in her bed with the blanket pulled up past his waist, hands rubbing his face as he sighed in frustration.

“I need help,” Xander finally said to Buffy.

“Xander, you know this is my Angel weekend. If it’s not the Apocalypse, what could _possibly_ be so dire you need my help,” Buffy responded, sounding as frustrated as Angel looked.

“Please? Just come on, it’ll take five minutes,” Xander replied, gesturing for her to follow him.

“You get two,” Buffy replied as she walked after him through her and Willow’s apartment. Everyone knew that Angel was coming to town this weekend, and since Willow was currently in class, the couple was _supposed_ to have no interruptions for the afternoon.

Buffy followed Xander out the door and across the hall into the apartment he shared with Oz. The werewolf was currently sitting on the couch, watching TV when Buffy and Xander walked in. He looked over the back of the couch and with a nod in their direction said, “Hey Buff.”

Buffy gave him a sarcastic smile and mumbled, “Hi.”

Xander led Buffy into his room and she looked around and sniffed. “Ugh, Xander, it smells like pizza in here.”

Xander sighed and said, “Yes, that’s because this is where I eat pizza! Are you gonna help me or not?”

“What do you need?” Buffy asked, getting impatient.

Xander rummaged through his desk drawer and pulled out a small box. He opened it and showed it to Buffy. “It’s a necklace,” she said, looking in the box.

“Yeah, but do you like it?” Xander asked.

“Sure, it’s pretty, why?” Buffy replied.

“I want to give it to Anya.”

“Anya?” Buffy repeated, with a look on her face that said, _Really?_

“Yes, Anya. I really like her!” Xander said.

Buffy looked at the necklace closer and then grabbed it out of his hand. “Wait,” she stared at the necklace more closely. “This is the same necklace you gave Cordy in high school.”

“Well yeah,” Xander said as if it were obvious. “Can’t really afford to buy a new one.”

Buffy stared at him with her mouth open. Her hand shot out and slapped him on the head. “Are you insane!?” she said.

“Ow!” Xander said, rubbing his head. “What? Why?”

Buffy stared at him incredulously. “You can’t re-gift something you gave your ex-girlfriend to your new girlfriend!”

“Why not?!” Xander asked, still rubbing his head where Buffy smacked him.

“Because it’s rude. And cheap,” she said, turning back towards the door to leave his room. “Get creative and put a little thought into it.”

She walked through the living room, passing by Oz again and said to him, “Teach your roommate some manners, ‘kay?”

Oz just gave her a small salute and said, “Bye Buff.”

Buffy walked back into her apartment across the hall and opened her bedroom door to find Angel right where she left him.

“Xander is an idiot,” she said, getting back into bed.

Angel looked over at her and said, “Well I could have told you that a couple years ago.”

Buffy turned to her side, propped herself up on her elbow and ran her other hand over Angel’s chest. “I love how thoughtful you are. Everything you do for me has a meaning,” she said softly. Angel looked up at her, liking the sentiment, but a little confused at where it was coming from. Buffy saw the look on his face and clarified with a roll of her eyes, “Xander’s re-gifting. The same thing he gave Cordy to Anya.”

Angel has only met the ex-vengeance demon a few times, but clearly shared Buffy’s feelings about her. “Anya?” he asked.

Buffy nodded and then made a face. “I really don’t want to be talking about Xander and Anya right now,” she said, shifting so she was closer to him.

Angel smiled and in a flash he rolled Buffy so she was under him. She yelped in surprised and then giggled as Angel kissed his way down her neck. He pushed up the large t-shirt she was wearing and peppered kisses across her flat belly. With a mischievous look in his eyes, he looked up at her and asked, “Now where were we?”


	3. The Weight of Silence

_Angel clutched her so tight he thought they would fuse together. He was having trouble concentrating on anything but her voice and her hands clutching his shoulders._

_“I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget, I’ll never forget…..”_

_And with a flash her desperate mantra stopped._

“Hello? Earth to Angel?”

Angel blinked and looked around at his surroundings. The sewer. Buffy. He could still hear her crying as she clutched his shoulders, still taste the salt of her tears.

“I know my classes aren’t _that_ exciting, but you could at least fake that you’re paying attention,” Buffy said to him. She continued walking down the sewer tunnel. Still trying to get his bearings, Angel followed after her. How could it be that just seconds ago she could feel his heartbeat? That just yesterday he had kissed her in the sunlight? _No,_ he reminded himself. _I did it to save her. I can’t lose her, now that I just got her back._

“Sorry,” he finally said to her. “Just trying to focus on tracking this thing.”

She gave him a small smile over her shoulder. “S’okay. I’m just surprised there’s a Morah in California. Giles said they usually stick to the Middle East and Africa. Let’s just hope the usual slice and dice does the trick,” she said, miming the action with her short sword.

Angel stayed silent behind her, still at war with himself in his head. _Do I tell her? She’ll stake me…It’s not fair to lie to her though…God, she’ll be so mad…I can’t lie to her._

A sudden noise from behind him caused Angel to turn around. “Heads up, Buffy,” he said to her. She came up behind him, sword ready, peering into the darkness of the sewer for whatever made the noise to show itself.

The Morah demon ran at them from the shadows, but Angel was ready and deflected it into the wall next to him. After trading a few quick blows, Angel found an opening and punched the jewel in the center of the Morah’s head. Buffy covered her eyes as the demon glowed bright and then dropped dead.

Buffy stared at Angel in slight shock. “Hey, how’d you know to do that?” she asked him.

He shrugged and said, “Lucky guess.” He turned around and walked past her and continued down the tunnel. Buffy stared at his retreating back. Something was bothering him.

She jogged quickly after him and grabbed his arm, turning him towards her. “What’s wrong?” she asked gently.

Angel sighed and faced her, but didn’t meet her eyes. “Nothing,” he said.

“We both know that’s not true,” Buffy said. She reached up with the hand not holding her sword and turned his face towards her. “Please?” she asked.

Angel finally looked into her warm hazel eyes and something in his mind broke. He had to tell her. “I have to tell you something.”

Buffy’s hand fell from his face and she started to get a little panicked. Angel could hear her heart rate increase slightly. She looked around and said, “Sewer…Oh God, are you breaking up with me again?”

“No,” Angel quickly said. He had a feeling it didn’t ease her worry. “But you’re probably going to hate me.”

* * *

 

Cordelia was gathering her belongings and getting ready to close up the office for the night when she heard the couple walk in through the door. “Jeeze, what happened to you two?” she asked, taking in their appearance. Buffy’s features were completely blank and her brow was furrowed. Zombie-like, she ignored Cordy and walked over the elevator, opened the door and stepped inside. She didn’t close the door, or hit the down button. She just stared at the ground, looking completely lost.

Cordelia looked at Buffy, concerned. She then looked to Angel, who was staring at Buffy looking like his puppy just died. “What did you do?” Cordelia asked him sharply, putting one and one together.

Angel shook his head slightly. Cordy sighed and decided she did not want to get involved in this chapter of the Buffy-Angel show. “Well did you get the demon at least?” she asked him.

Angel nodded once and said quietly, “Yeah.” He then stepped forward and joined Buffy in the elevator. He closed the door and hit the down button.

Cordelia rolled her eyes and muttered to herself, “I don’t get paid enough for this.”

* * *

 

Freshly showered, Angel walked towards his bed and climbed in, turning out the bedside light as he did. Buffy was curled into a tiny ball, her back facing him. When he told her everything that happened with the Morah demon and the Oracles and their day together, she had reacted as he expected. Yelling, screaming, crying…she hadn’t said a word since they left the sewer though.

Angel lay on his back and stared up at the ceiling. The silence was deafening. After what seemed like forever, he heard Buffy shift beside him and turn to face him. He could feel her staring at him. Finally she said in a small voice, “I don’t hate you.” Angel looked over at her. Her eyes were slightly watery, and she looked so small in the big bed. “But I’m still pretty pissed,” she added.

Angel just nodded silently. He was terrified this was going to be a gaping wound in their relationship, one that would never quite heal. After a few moments, Buffy scooted closer to Angel, wrapped her arm around his middle, and rested her head on his chest. “I wish I could remember,” she whispered.

Angel squeezed his eyes shut and said, “I wish you could too.”

“I get why you did it,” she said. “I mean, I would do whatever I could to save you, if I was in the same position.”

Angel wrapped his arms tighter around her. “I know,” he said, thinking of poison arrows and Slayer blood.

Buffy looked up at him, and rested her chin on his chest. “You know you’re all I want, right?” she asked. “I don’t care what you are, human, vampire, whatever. Just as long as you’re you.” Angel found himself unable to speak and just nodded at her. “’Kay, good,” she said, and rested her head on his chest again.

The silence seemed louder than ever.


	4. The Perks of Almost Getting Eaten

Greg Bell walked briskly through the empty parking lot, cursing himself for parking so far away. Although he loved his job, he was finding that too often he was working well past sundown. Greg wasn't an idiot. He knew Sunnydale after dark was not a safe place. Too many times he read in the paper, or saw on the news, yet another person who "mysteriously vanished." The cases always remained unsolved, as if the Sunnydale Police Department turned a blind eye to them. He wondered what was in the water in this town that made people forget so easily.

He was almost to his car when he heard footsteps behind him. He stopped in his tracks and turned around, peering into the darkness, seeing nothing but the empty office building. He shook his head, mumbled something about needing more sleep, and turned to continue his walk to his car, only to come face to face with someone. No…some _thing_.

Greg dropped his briefcase and backed away from the creature. It looked like a person… but their face…he gasped out loud at the creature's deformed features. The thing snarled at him and Greg saw a mouthful of fangs.

The vampire stalked towards Greg, who tried to back away in horror, but he tripped over his feet and fell flat on his back, scraping his elbow in the process. The vampire sniffed the air and smiled, smelling the blood coming from the wound. The vamp crouched over Greg and bared his fangs. Greg was about to scream out, knowing this was the end of his life, when the vampire was suddenly thrown off him and landed about four feet away with a thud.

Greg looked up in shock at a petite blonde girl, who couldn't be over 20 years old. He watched in awe and she beat down the creature that was easily twice her size. After a few more punches and kicks, she whipped out a wooden stake and stabbed it into the vampire's chest. Greg's mouth dropped open as the thing exploded in a cloud of dust.

Silence hung in the air as the girl brushed the dust off her clothes and then walked over to where Greg was still on the ground. He stared at her, mouth agape, not believing what he just saw.

"You okay?" Buffy asked as she extended her hand down to him. Greg stared at it for a second before grabbing it and letting her easily pull him up to a standing position.

"I…uh…yeah I think so…" Greg stammered. He looked down at his scraped elbow and saw a small amount of blood through the torn shirt.

Buffy inspected it and said, "It's not too deep, just wash it good when you get home. Maybe put some antibiotic ointment on it."

Greg barely heard her. "Was that a…a vam-vampire?" he asked. Buffy reluctantly nodded yes. No use in hiding it now. "And you're a…" he continued, not quite sure how to finish that sentence.

"Vampire Slayer," Buffy said. "It's kind of my job. Or more of a calling, really," she added.

"Oh," Greg said, still stunned. "Okay." He reached down to pick up his briefcase and walked towards his car. Buffy followed him, making sure he got in and locked the doors.

Before driving off, Greg rolled down the window and said, "Thank you."

Buffy smiled and said, "Get home safe." She watched him pull out of the parking lot before continuing the evening's patrol.

* * *

"Well it sounds like you really like your Psychology class, Buffy," Joyce said as she looked over her grocery list and pulled the appropriate items off the shelf. "Maybe you should think of it as an option for your major."

"I like the material, it's just that the professor is a real bitch," Buffy said as she absentmindedly pushed the grocery cart behind her mother. Joyce gave her daughter a look at her use of language and Buffy rolled her eyes. "Sorry. But it's true. And the TA keeps giving me the lusty eye." Joyce raised her eyebrows at Buffy who added, "Don't you dare tell Angel. I don't want my Psych TA showing up with a black eye on Monday. Oh! Grab the Double Stuffed Oreo's!"

Joyce gave her daughter a look again and said, "You know Buffy, you're living on your own now. You can grocery shop yourself."

Buffy sighed in frustration and said, "But they're right there!"

"Fine," Joyce said, adding the package to the cart. Buffy smiled to herself and continued to push the cart down the aisle.

They were rounding the corner to go down the next aisle when a middle-aged man nearly bumped his cart into theirs.

"Sorry," the man said. He then looked up and said, "Oh, hi!"

Buffy stared at him a little confused before recognizing him as the man she saved the other night from a vampire. "Oh hey, how's the elbow?"

"Fine," he said, rubbing it slightly. "Thank you again, for the other night. Somehow 'thank you' doesn't seem like enough."

Buffy waved her hand dismissively and said, "Just doing my job." Joyce looked between them, a confused look on her face. Seeing this, Buffy added, "I saved him from becoming a midnight snack."

"Ah, I see," Joyce said, nodding her head in understanding.

Buffy's phone suddenly rang in her pocket and she pulled it out and looked at the screen. It was Angel. "Sorry, gotta grab this."

She walked further down the aisle she just came from, away from Joyce and Greg and answered the phone. "Hey there."

"Hi, how are you?" Angel responded through the phone.

"Good, just grocery shopping with Mom. How are things with you?" she asked.

"Fine, just wrapping up the paperwork on a case. Can I bring anything to dinner this weekend?"

"No I think we're good. Although Mom does loves that wine and cheese you get from that little Italian shop near your apart-Oh my GOD," Buffy suddenly exclaimed.

"What?" Angel asked, slight nervousness coming through in his voice.

"She is totally flirting with him!" Buffy said loudly, watching Joyce and Greg at the other end of the aisle.

"Huh?"

Seeing that she was getting a few odd looks from other shoppers, she lowered her voice and whispered into the phone, "My MOTHER! We ran into this guy I saved from a vamp the other night, and she is FLIRTING."

Angel let out a snort of laughter and said, "Go Joyce."

Buffy ignored him and continued to watch her mother. "Oh God, she put her hand on his arm…Angel she is touching him!"

"Buffy, relax," Angel told her. "She's alone a lot more now, since you're out of the house. This could be good for her."

"Sure, you said that about Robo-Creep too, and remember how that turned out?" Buffy retorted.

"I'm sure this guy is not a robot, Buffy."

"Whatever," Buffy let out in a huff. Seeing that Greg was walking away to continue shopping, Buffy said to Angel, "I gotta go, I'll see you Friday?"

"See you Friday. Love you," Angel said.

"Love you too," Buffy said before hanging up. She walked down the aisle towards Joyce, who had a goofy grin on her face.

"Um, what was that?" Buffy asked.

"He's coming to dinner on Friday," Joyce said, pushing the cart further down the aisle to finish up her grocery shopping.

Buffy stared at her back, her mouth open slightly, and then followed her down the aisle. "What?! But Angel's coming to dinner Friday!"

"I know," Joyce said. "Consider it a double date."

Buffy scoffed at her mother before saying, "Whatever, as long as he's not a robot."

* * *

Friday evening at seven o'clock sharp, Greg rang the doorbell to Joyce Summers' home, bouquet of flowers and bottle of wine in hand. Buffy flung the door open and looked Greg up and down before moving aside to let him cross the threshold.

"Hi Buffy," Greg said in greeting. "These are for your mother," he said, holding up the flowers.

Buffy just took the wine bottle from him and said, "Thanks." Angel came into the foyer from the living room and Buffy said, "Greg, this is Angel, my boyfriend. Angel, this is Greg."

Angel held his hand out politely and shook Greg's. "Nice to meet you," he said.

Joyce came from the kitchen, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. "Oh Greg, these are beautiful!" she said, taking the flowers from him. "You can hang your coat there," she said, motioning to the coat rack. "I've got some appetizers in the kitchen, come on in."

Buffy watched Greg warily as he took off his coat. "You're not a robot, are you?" she asked bluntly.

"What?" Greg asked her, confused.

"Buffy, that was one time," Joyce said with a sigh. "It's a long story," she added, looking at Greg apologetically.

"Nope, not a robot," Greg said. "Although I would take a robot over what I saw the other night." He walked toward the kitchen and said, "As long as there's no more vampires around, I think I'll be okay."

Joyce and Buffy looked up at Angel, who just raised his eyebrows. "Um, Greg?" Joyce called after him. "There is one more thing…"


	5. Have a Little Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I mentioned this in a previous Author's Note, but here's a refresher: Even though Angel never became Angelus in Season 2 of BtVS, Spike and Drusilla were still in Sunnydale, and Drusilla eventually did kill Kendra (as in canon), therefore activating Faith. I think that's all you need to know! Enjoy!

 

Buffy walked into the police station lobby and saw Angel pacing with his head down. She stopped and crossed her arms, waiting for him to stop. When it was clear he was not going to break the silence, she said, "I'm sorry for hitting you."

Angel finally stopped pacing and looked at her. "I'm sorry too."

Buffy still didn't look him in the eye. "It's just after everything in Sunnydale, seeing you defend her like that…" she sighed. "It felt like you were betraying me," she said, her gaze resting upon him.

Angel stepped toward her tentatively. "Hey," he said gently. She looked up at him. "I would _never_ risk our relationship for anything, especially Faith."

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "She just makes me so mad." She felt foolish for saying it, like a toddler about to have a tantrum.

"I know," Angel said. He reached and rested both hands on her tiny shoulders, rubbing the tense muscles there. "She just needed help."

"I just don't know how you could do it…after everything she's done," Buffy said. "Pre and post coma," she added as an after thought.

"When you're around as long as I have been you get to be pretty patient," Angel said. "Call it a perk of getting older."

Buffy gave him a small smile, but it quickly fell. She suddenly felt so very tired and sore. She leaned into Angel's chest and rested her weight on him. He wrapped his arms around her, trying to pour all his love for her into the embrace. He felt her relax slightly against him.

After a few moments of silence, Buffy leaned back a bit and looked up at him. "How'd you know it wasn't me?"

"Hmm?" Angel asked in question.

"Back in Sunnydale, when she switched our bodies. You said she…" Buffy scrunched her face in disgust. "Came onto you. But you told me you knew it wasn't me."

Angel ran his hand through her hair and said, "Something was just…off." Buffy just stared at him and raised an eyebrow, clearly needing more. "Buffy, your blood is in my veins. I'd know you anywhere."

Buffy scrunched her nose again and said, "Ew. But good." She rested her head against his chest again, and Angel rubbed her back, relaxing her tired muscles.

After a minute Buffy reluctantly stepped back out of his embrace and said, "I should get back. It's late and I have class tomorrow."

Angel nodded and said, "Yeah, probably a good idea." He dropped a lingering kiss to her forehead and she gave his hand a quick squeeze before walking towards the exit. "Call me when you get home," he said to her.

With one last look at him, Buffy nodded and walked out the door.

* * *

Back in Sunnydale, Buffy walked into the apartment she shared with Willow and dropped tiredly into a chair at the kitchen table. She placed her phone on the table in front of her and stared at it.

Willow heard Buffy come home and wandered out of her bedroom to find the Slayer sitting at the kitchen table, her head in her hands, staring at her phone on the surface in front of her. Willow sat down in the chair next to Buffy and asked, "How'd it go?"

Buffy looked over at her best friend and said, "She turned herself in."

Willow raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Well that's good! Right?"

"Yeah…" Buffy replied.

Willow looked at Buffy who was still staring at her phone on the table, intently, like it was going to give her all the answers she needed. Willow knew that Buffy always called Angel as soon as she got back to Sunnydale from LA, and vice versa. She would often hear Buffy whispering and giggling into the phone for at least an hour despite being with Angel all weekend. Something was up.

"Angel troubles?" Willow asked, concerned. Buffy just nodded and Willow continued, "He didn't… _do anything_ with her, did he?" She was already wracking her brain for that spell to turn someone into a rat, wondering if it would work on vampires.

Buffy snapped her eyes to Willow and said, "No, no, nothing like that. He's just a lot more willing to help her than I would ever be."

Willow said, "Buffy, you're the most important thing to him. I'm pretty sure….no I'm absolutely sure that he would drop Faith like a hot potato if that was the only way to be with you, or save you from something."

Buffy thought back to a few months ago and the other thing he "dropped like a hot potato" to save her. "Yeah, I know," Buffy said to Willow.

Willow stood up and said, "Call him, and then go to bed. You look exhausted."

Buffy gave her a grateful smile and said, "Thanks Will."

She never called Angel. She just sent him a quick text ( _Home safe, talk to you later._ ) before crawling into bed and falling asleep before she could wait for a response.


	6. Inebriation is Coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, things to know: Joyce and Greg are getting married (he's not evil, I swear!). Buffy is still in college (I totally forget when she dropped out in canon), Dawn exists, Glory is stirring up trouble, and Joyce is starting to have some health problems. Also, it's been a while since I've seen the Game of Thrones episode I referenced, so if some of the details/story line is off, sorry. Don't sue me. Oh, and the timeline of this whole fic (as with most of my fics) is current day, not early 2000's.

The Hyperion was quiet when Buffy walked in through the front doors. "Hello?" she called out. Angel mentioned something about wrapping up a case, and she really hoped he was back by now. She hadn't seen him since her Mom and Greg's engagement party, which was a couple of weeks ago. Every time one of them would plan a visit, some hell beast or new threat would pop up and ruin their weekend plans. Buffy was really looking forward to some quiet time with Angel in LA and a break from her college studies.

A tall, handsome, black man popped his head out of the back office and said, "Oh hey, you must be Buffy. Angel mentioned you were gettin' into town tonight."

Buffy nodded and dropped her bag by the reception counter. "Gunn, right?" she asked. He nodded yes at her. Angel mentioned that Gunn was helping them out every now and again, but Buffy had yet to meet him.

She looked around the lobby. It seemed they were the only two people in the hotel. "Soo...where is everyone?" she asked, trying to make small talk.

"Cordy's home for the night, Wes and Angel are wrapping up a case. They said it shouldn't take too long," Gunn answered. "I'm holdin' down the fort until they get back."

Buffy smiled at him, feeling a little awkward since she didn't know him that well. "Sounds fun…"

Gunn nodded at her, also feeling a little awkward that he was hanging out alone with his boss' girlfriend. "I was watching TV in the back office, if you wanna join?" he asked, motioning to the office behind him.

Buffy was glad he suggested something to do while she waited for Angel to get back. "Yeah sure. What're you watching?" she asked, coming around behind the reception counter to follow him into the office.

"Game of Thrones, you watch it?" Gunn asked, settling onto the leather couch.

"Uh, no," Buffy answered, taking off her jacket and joining him on the couch.

"What?!" Gunn stared at her, seeming slightly offended. "We're all addicted, I'm surprised Angel hasn't made you watch it."

"Oh he's tried, it just kinda makes my brain hurt. I deal with enough violence and drama on a regular basis, I don't really want it to invade my TV time," Buffy said.

"Well, I'm gonna convert you," Gunn said. "My way of watching is better anyway." He leaned over the arm of the couch and opened the small mini fridge that sat on the floor.

He pulled out two beers and handed one to Buffy. She laughed and opened the beer with the opener that was on the coffee table in front of the couch. She was starting to like this Gunn guy.

A few hours later, Wesley and Angel walked through the front doors into the lobby of the hotel. Angel rolled his shoulders and tried to stretch the sore muscles in his back. Wrapping up their case took a bit longer than expected. Angel just hoped Buffy was still awake and not totally pissed at him.

"Go on home Wes, I'll take care of the paperwork," Angel said, walking over to the weapons cabinet to place his sword inside.

Wesley joined him at the cabinet and placed his axe inside. "I'll do it," he said. At Angel's look, he continued, "I saw Buffy's car parked out front. We both know you're dying to see her."

Angel flashed him a grin and said, "Thanks, Wes."

Just then, they heard a loud gasp come from the back office, followed by someone saying, "Hodor said 'Hodor'! Drink!"

Angel and Wes looked at each other in confusion before making their way towards the back office. They peered inside and saw Buffy and Gunn on the edge of their seats, a few empty beer bottles on the coffee table in front of them, as they watched the TV intently.

Angel stepped into the office and stared at his girlfriend in amusement. He knew she was pretty stressed right now, with her mother's health issues, the threat of Glory, college, and slaying. Seeing her unwind with Gunn was a welcome sight.

"Hi," Angel said to her, barely hiding the smile on his face.

Buffy glanced up at him from her spot on the couch and said, "Hey," before turning back to the TV.

Angel shrugged off his jacket and walked towards her. He bent down and gave her a quick kiss, one she distractedly returned, all while never letting her eyes leave the TV screen.

"I got Buffy into Game of Thrones," Gunn said, eyes glued to the TV.

Suddenly Buffy sat up straighter and enthusiastically pointed at the TV while saying, "Dragon! Drink!" She and Gunn took a few swigs from their beers.

"I can see that…" Angel said in response to Gunn, still amused at the sight in front of him.

Wesley watched the TV and narrowed his eyes slightly. "Is this the episode with the Red Wedding?" he asked.

Gunn glanced at Wesley with a knowing smirk on his face. "Yep."

"Oh dear," Wes said, looking at Buffy, who still had yet to look away from the screen. "I'll get to that paperwork now," he said, walking out of the office. He pulled out the appropriate case file, and flipped through it. He had a slight smirk on his face, knowing what episode Buffy was watching for the first time. _Poor girl,_ he thought to himself.

Not two minutes later, a shocked cry came from the office. "Oh my God…OH MY GOD. WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

A second later Angel walked out of the office, jacket in hand, and headed for the front door saying, "I'm gonna get more beer."


	7. Sing Your Future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much extra info you need to know for this chapter, except that Willow and Oz are still together. Willow and Tara are friends from their Wicca group at UC Sunnydale, but Oz never left, so Willow and Tara aren't together romantically.
> 
> And apologies in advance for any future delays in posting...I have a few more chapters already written and ready to post, but I have recently begun taking night classes for my Master's degree in addition to working full time, so finding time to write has been a little hard! But no worries, I'm not giving up on this story! I have an outline for the entire thing that I fully intend on finishing.
> 
> Enjoy!

The group walked out of the bar, clearly enjoying themselves. Buffy wrapped her arms tighter around Angel's waist as Xander said, "Ok gang, where's the afterparty?"

Oz's band had just done a show in LA and the whole Sunnydale crew had come down to see him. Cordy turned around to the group and said, "I know! Come on!"

Angel kissed the top of Buffy's head as they followed their friends down the street. He hadn't been in the mood to come out tonight, but when Buffy, Willow, and Xander ambushed him at the hotel it was kind of hard to resist.

Cordy lead the group into the front door of Caritas, turned around and said, "We're doin' karaoke!"

"Are you kidding me?" Gunn asked, sitting down at a table.

"Oh I'm totally serious," Cordy responded, joining him at the table.

Lorne saw the group walk in and waked over to them. "Gang's all here!" he said joyfully. He placed his hand on Buffy's back and said in a low voice to her. "I know your spidey senses are going nuts in here, Blondie, but try and keep the slaying to a minimum, 'kay?"

Buffy held up her hands and said, "Hey, I'm off the clock tonight."

"Excellent!" Lorne responded, rubbing his hands together. "So who's up first?"

The group looked at each other. "Not Angel," Cordy said, snickering.

Angel looked at her, offended, and Buffy rubbed his knee and leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek.

Oz said, "I just did a show, I'm done performing for the night."

Cordy perked up and pointed to Xander. "I vote Xander!"

"No way I'm goin' up there alone," Xander answered. "Buff, how ya feel about a little duet?"

"I'm gonna need a lot more liquid courage before I get up there with you," Buffy said, smiling.

"Well that sounds like a plan to me!" Lorne exclaimed. He waved down a bartender and said, "Hey Frank, keep 'em comin' over here!"

* * *

 

A few vodka sodas later plus one shot of tequila for some extra courage, Angel watched as Buffy, Xander, and Gunn belted out a pretty horrible (though enthusiastic) rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" on stage. Everyone was in high spirits as they laughed and sang along. Angel smiled to himself and took a sip of his beer as he watched his girlfriend laugh at Xander and Gunn having an air guitar battle.

He looked to his left and saw Lorne smiling and bobbing his head along to the beat. Buffy and Gunn sang into the microphone together and Angel watched as Lorne's smile slowly melted into a look of concern.

As Angel watched Lorne's reaction to Buffy's singing, he felt his worry kick up a notch. Was Lorne reading Buffy? What did he see?

Lorne looked over at Angel and sighed, realizing the vampire had caught him. He nodded in the direction of the bar and walked behind it and poured himself another Sea Breeze. Angel followed him and sat at a barstool across from Lorne. He poured Angel a glass of whiskey, but remained silent.

Finally Angel asked, "What did you see?"

"Nothing clear, just a feeling," he said. Angel just raised his eyebrows at him, needing more information. "Things are gonna change. It's bittersweet. It's gonna hurt bad, but there's peace there also."

Angel looked at him, confused. "Well, what the hell does that mean? Is something going to happen to Buffy?"

Lorne sighed and finally looked Angel in the eye. "You make her happier than anything, Angelcakes. You don't need to be an empath demon to see that," Lorne said in response. "She's got a tough life. Just keep her happy."

Angel looked over his shoulder and saw that Buffy, Gunn, and Xander had finished their performance and rejoined their table. Willow, Cordy, and Buffy were huddled together, chatting animatedly. Angel watched as Buffy threw her head back in laughter at something Cordelia said.

He didn't know what Lorne was talking about, but he knew one thing was for sure; he was going to make sure Buffy laughed like that everyday for the rest of her life.

* * *

Later that night, in the privacy of his room at the Hyperion, Angel sighed and rolled off of Buffy, wrapping an arm around her in the process and pulling her to his chest. She hummed contently and rested her head on his chest, relaxing as her breath returned to normal.

After a few minutes, she rubbed her face into Angel's cool skin and looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest. His eyes were closed, but she knew he wasn't sleeping. After a moment she asked, "What was with the brood face earlier?"

Angel cracked his eyes open and looked down at her. "Hmm?"

"I saw you talking to Lorne at the bar. Looked serious," Buffy clarified.

"Oh," Angel said. He didn't want to get into this. "Nothing important. Just catching up."

Buffy just looked at him and said, "Mhm." She wasn't buying it. She traced patterns with her fingers on his chest and said, "Well, whatever it is your worried about, don't be."

Angel reached up and ran his fingers gently through her hair, down her shoulder and settled on her back where he traced small circles into her soft skin. "I just always want to see you this happy," he said quietly.

"I'm happy when you're happy," she said, smiling softly before settling back down on his chest and closing her eyes.

Angel didn't know if Lorne was telling him the full truth at what he saw when Buffy sang, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to lose her; he simply wouldn't be able to take it. With a jolt he remembered how unfair their lives were, especially hers. If he had a limited time in this life with Buffy, he was going to make every second worth it.

 


	8. Put on Your Best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing new to note that hasn't been explained in earlier chapters. Just wanted to say that I'm very proud of this chapter :)
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> EDIT (11/4/15): Just realized a note I should have added - in my story, Wolfram & Hart were planning on resurrecting Darla much later in the series (around when the time Buffy died) instead of at the end of Angel Season 1. Ok, that's it!

_“So put on your best boys, and I’ll wear my pearls.”_

_\- The Band Perry_

 

Lilah Morgan walked briskly down the hall at Wolfram & Hart. It was late, but she knew Holland and Lindsey would be still there, planning. She turned a corner, her stiletto heels barely making a sound on the carpeting, and threw open the double doors to the conference room.

Holland Manners and Lindsey MacDonald looked up from the spread of paperwork and ancient books on the table in front of them.

“Scrap the Darla plan,” Lilah said to them. At their questioning looks she added, “I just got word that the Slayer is dead.”

Holland and Lindsey looked at each other before Lindsey said, “Okay…and?”

Lilah barely resisted the urge to roll her eyes at him. “Buffy Summers? Vampire Slayer from the Hellmouth? The little blonde thing Angel’s always got himself wrapped around?” At their blank stares Lilah sighed. Men… “The Slayer was the love of Angel’s un-life. She just died. Angel was there. You want to break him? Use her, not Darla.”

* * *

 

Angel strained slowly over Buffy’s body, groaning into her mouth when she angled her hips to allow him deeper inside. She smiled against his lips at his response. He reveled in the feeling of her warm, soft body around him, her strong thighs gripping him, her heels pressing into the back of his thighs. He found it far too easy to completely lose himself when they were pressed skin to skin like this. For someone who needed total control in all areas of his life, it both excited and frightened him.

She broke away from his lips to gasp a breath of air, and he continued to kiss his way along her jawline, down her tanned throat, and pause to gently suck at his mark on her neck. One of her hands skimmed down his back and settled on his hip, while the other held his head in place on her neck. Buffy gasped suddenly, causing Angel to pull back and look down at her.

He smelled the blood before he saw it. He furrowed his brows in confusion and looked down at her abdomen. Blood flowed from a gaping wound in her belly, pooling on the sheets they lay on.

“Angel?” he could hear the fear in her voice.

He looked up at her in shock. “Oh God, Buffy.”

She looked up at him, eyes shining with fear. “Why did you let me die?”

 

Angel sat up in bed with a strangled gasp, realizing he was alone. He looked around the dark room and his eyes settled on the flower arrangements and sympathy cards on the kitchen table in his suite, reminding him of the funeral he had just come from, and that the dream he had was just that; a dream.

He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to shake the dream, when something shifted in the bed next to him.

Angel froze and slowly turned to look at the space next to him in the bed. Buffy lay there, propped up on one elbow, covering her bare chest with the sheet. Angel sucked in a breath and tried to move away from her in the bed.

Buffy regarded him with a slight look of amusement and pity on her face. “Wow, you really are losing it, huh?”

 

Angel awoke for real this time, but didn’t sit up. He knew the flowers and cards were there, just as in the dream. The only thing missing was Buffy. 

* * *

 

Angel, Wesley, and Gunn watched the large, green, scaly demon feed on a rat from their hiding spot behind the shipping container.

“We should ambush now, while it’s distracted. I’ll come around from the back-” Wesley started to say, but stopped when Angel charged forward and swung at the demon with his sword. “Or we could go now…” Wesley finished. He and Gunn gave each other a look before joining Angel in fighting the demon. They were glad he was out of the hotel, but since Buffy’s death he was getting a bit reckless. They often found that he was sleeping well into the afternoon, but never quite looking rested.

The demon threw Angel back against a metal shipping container and Wesley and Gunn rushed forward, weapons raised. Angel quickly recovered and headed toward the fight, when a lone figure leaning against one of the shipping containers caught his eye.

Buffy watched him with a slight smirk on her face and one eyebrow raised. Angel stared at her, mouth slightly open.

She had been appearing in his dreams more frequently now, but this was the first time he had seen her when he was awake. Her blonde hair hung in loose waves framing her pretty face, just as he remembered. She wore a long, white, thin-strapped dress that seemed to glow in the darkness, showing off her tanned skin.

“Hey Angel! A little help here!” Angel tore his eyes from Buffy and saw that the demon had Gunn pinned against a shipping container, while Wesley scrambled to his feet behind it. Wes raised his battle-axe and swung, landing it in the center of the demon’s back. The demon roared, but did not fall.

Angel rushed forward and hauled the demon away from Gunn. He thrust his sword into the demon’s chest, but it had no effect.

“Angel, it’s a Lechnox demon. Go for the throat! Come on, you know that. Even _I_ knew that.” came Buffy’s voice from her spot against the shipping container. Angel looked over at her before looking at Gunn and Wesley, who appeared to not have heard or seen anything.

After trading a few blows with the demon, Angel saw an opening and swiftly punched it in the throat. The demon froze in place, and fell backwards to the ground, dead.

Wesley and Gunn walked over, breathing heavily. “Lechnox demon,” Wesley said. “Killed by a blow to the throat. I should have known that.”

Angel looked over at the spot in between the shipping containers where he had seen Buffy, but there was nothing there. He growled slightly and headed off towards the hotel.

“Alright, we’ll take care of the body, no problem!” Gunn called out sarcastically after him. “Man, what is going on in that guy’s head?” he said to Wesley.

Wes watched Angel fade into the night and said, “I don’t think we’ll ever know.” 

* * *

 

Angel walked into the lobby of the hotel and past Cordelia and Fred, who were sitting on one of the couches. Cordy was flicking through a magazine, and Fred looked like she had just woken from a nap.

When Angel didn’t say anything to them, Cordy asked, “Um hi? Did you get the demon?”

Angel headed towards the stairs and tossed a “Yeah,” back at them.

Cordy and Fred looked at each other. Cordelia shrugged and said, “Well, I guess that’s our cue to go to home.”

* * *

 Angel walked into his suite and shrugged off his jacket, draping it over a chair by the door. He walked into the kitchen and shot a glare at the slightly wilted flowers on the table. Buffy told him once that she thought giving flowers at a funeral was stupid. _“You just went through this awful experience, and you’re grieving, and then someone hands you a bunch of flowers or a potted plant, and it’s like, great! Now I have to take care of my very own botanical garden. This makes me feel SO much better, thank you!”_

Angel threw open the refrigerator door and grabbed a container of blood. Not bothering to heat it up, he gulped down half the container before putting it back. He paused, still not feeling satisfied. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet, a bottle of Jameson from the bar cart, and poured himself a drink. He finished the glass in a few gulps and headed back into the bedroom.

Angel froze in his tracks when he saw Buffy standing in the center of the room. She was wearing the same white dress he saw her wearing earlier in the shipping yard. He stared at her for a moment before saying, “You’re not real.”

She smiled at him and said, “Well, no. But that doesn’t make it any better, does it? I’m still gone.”

Angel continued to stare at her, clenching his fists until it was almost painful. Seeing her in front of him was the worst torture. She was beautiful, radiant; but he knew she wasn’t real. In reality, she was laying under six feet of cold dirt two hours away in Sunnydale. He held her limp, cold body after she jumped from that tower. He helped Joyce and Greg pick out a coffin. He helped them with all the funeral arrangements. He held Dawn when she couldn’t stop crying at the wake. He stood at her grave, hating that he couldn’t catch her scent anymore, even though she was _right there_. He knew the real Buffy wouldn’t torture him like this. He wondered about the possibility that The First was back.

Buffy walked towards him and he vaguely noted that she had no scent, no heartbeat, no warmth. She was inches away from him and he resisted the urge to step back. She reached up and caressed his face. He could feel her hand, cold and foreign against his cheek, throwing away his theory that it was The First.

She ran her hand down to his shoulder, and walked around him so she was standing facing his back, keeping her hand on his shoulder the whole time.

Still frozen in place, Angel asked, “Why are you doing this?”

Buffy leaned forward and he could feel her against his back. She whispered in his ear, “Who says it’s me?”

Angel blinked and turned around, but she was gone. He was alone again. 

* * *

 

Months later, when she was back for real, Angel laid his eyes upon her and didn’t believe it could really be her. Angel and his team eventually figured out that Wolfram and Hart had been manipulating his dreams and causing his hallucinations as their newest form of torture. Could this be their grand finale?

Willow was rambling on about something, but Angel didn’t hear her. Buffy was staring at him, and he was staring at her. He stepped forward, terrified she would vanish in front of him, just like in his dreams. He had imagined her so many times that he couldn’t believe this was _really_ her standing in front of him. He finally stepped close enough to wrap his arms around her, and bury his face in her neck. She was slack for a moment, and then rubbed her hands up and down his back.

Angel pulled back and looked into her eyes. He saw how lost they looked, but pushed it to the back of his mind. “I thought you were gone,” he finally said.

She avoided his gaze and said, “Me too.”

He realized with a jolt that even though she was back, that didn’t mean she was really here with him.


	9. Irish Luck

Angel sighed as he put his car in park outside the Summers' home. From the passenger seat, Buffy looked over at the multiple cars in the driveway, and then to the front door. "Do I have to go in?" she asked quietly.

Angel turned the keys in the ignition, shutting off the engine. "No," he answered her honestly. "But they are expecting us."

Buffy continued to stare at the house, not moving from her seat. Angel reached over and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. She turned to look at him and gave him a grateful smile before unbuckling her seatbelt and opening the car door to step out. Angel sighed again and also stepped out of the car, following her inside the house.

Angel will always remember the few days after Buffy was resurrected as chaotic and confusing. He felt absolute, unbridled joy that she was alive, intense anger at Willow for using such dark magic to bring her back without thinking of the consequences, gut-wrenching sadness at the peace Buffy had lost, and various levels of anxiety at her mental state and well-being.

Angel finally decided that Buffy needed to get out of Sunnydale for a bit while she readjusted to life again, so he took her to Ireland. The perpetual gray skies, quiet villages, and rolling green hills of Angel's home country seemed to calm Buffy's frayed nerves that resulted from the initial chaos that of her return. The constant cloud cover also allowed Angel to travel around during the day and sightsee with Buffy.

They stayed there for about a month. Their flight home landed at LAX a few hours ago, and Angel had driven them straight back to Sunnydale to drop her off at home and attended the small welcome home party Joyce and Greg were throwing.

A few days after their arrival in Ireland, Angel received an email from Willow, explaining how she had done a spell that erased everyone's knowledge of Buffy's death, except for their group of friends, as well as Joyce, Greg, and Dawn. Angel scowled a bit when he learned that Willow had done another big spell. He had mixed feelings about Willow resurrecting Buffy. His dead heart nearly exploded with joy when he heard she was alive. And then it immediately broke when he saw how lost she was. He knew she was in Heaven, or whatever you want to call it. And then she had that peace ripped away from her. And Willow had done it all behind his, Joyce, and Giles' back.

Angel supposed the most recent spell Willow had done made sense though. Buffy had an obituary, a funeral, and a gravestone. Sunnydale was a small town. It probably would have raised some eyebrows to see a girl that was supposed to be dead walking down Main Street. It reassured him a bit when she told him that Giles and Jenny helped her with the spell. Angel had a sinking feeling that the witch was getting in over her head when it came to magic.

An excited squeal from the living room of the Summers' home brought Angel back to the present. Dawn was hugging Buffy tightly, an endless stream of excited words coming out of her mouth. "Welcome back! How was it? Did you see a leprechaun? Did it rain all the time? I read it rains _all_ the time there. What did you get me? I hope you took a lot of pictures, I want to see them all! They put in a new taco stand by the Espresso Pump, it's not very good, Janice's mom got food poisoning. How was the food? Was it all potatoes and green beer?"

Buffy smiled at her younger sister and said, "Ok, breathe." Joyce, Greg, Giles, Jenny, Willow, Xander, Anya, and Oz all wandered into the foyer.

Joyce immediately stepped forward and wrapped her eldest daughter in a tight hug. "Welcome back, honey."

Buffy closed her eyes tight, enjoying the hug from her mom. After Joyce released her, Greg stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Buffy's shoulders in a warm half hug. "Good to have you back," he said.

Dawn and Joyce each hugged Angel, as their other friends welcomed the couple back. Greg clapped Angel on the shoulder and gave him a firm handshake. Angel liked Joyce's husband. He was smart, had a good sense of humor, loved Joyce, and cared deeply for Buffy and Dawn. Greg respected the fact that he was not their father, and never tried to overstep any parenting boundaries. It also helped that the first time Greg met Buffy, she was saving him from a vampire, therefore avoiding any awkward lies and explanations later on down the road.

* * *

A little while later, Angel leaned against the doorframe to the living room, watching Buffy as she showed the group a slideshow of all the pictures she took. The gang watched her happily as she explained each picture, gesturing to various things on the screen of her laptop. Occasionally Willow or Giles would chime in with some fact they had once read about the place Buffy was showing, but everyone mostly just sipped their wine or coffee and munched on the appetizers that were laid out on the coffee table.

Angel smiled to himself whenever Buffy horribly mispronounced the name of a town or castle they visited. It was hard to believe the person he was watching now was the same woman whose hands he had cleaned of blood and dirt just five weeks earlier. For what seemed like the millionth time, Angel was once again in awe of her inner strength and determination.

Angel felt someone at his side and turned to see Joyce watching her daughter in the living room. She seemed to be content just to watch Buffy, so Angel resumed his viewing of the slideshow.

After a few minutes, Joyce said quietly to Angel, "Thank you." Angel looked down at her, a questioning look on his face. Joyce looked up at him. "For bringing her back."

"Of course," Angel said with a shrug. "It was a long flight, I didn't want her to drive here alone."

"No, that's not what I mean," Joyce said with strength in her voice. Angel vaguely wondered how much of Buffy's inner strength came from being a Slayer, and how much was just genetics. "You brought her back. To us."

Angel looked back at Buffy, who was currently trying to control her giggles while she explained the picture of her kissing the Blarney Stone. He understood what Joyce meant. "She did most of it herself. I was just moral support."

Joyce laid her hand on Angel's arm and he looked down at her again. "Give yourself a little more credit, Angel," she said to him. "She couldn't have come this far without you." She took her hand from his arm and looked again at Buffy. "Watching her those first few days….I don't want to think about what it would be like if you weren't here for her."

Angel didn't want to think about it either.

"She's very lucky," Joyce said to him. "We all are." She left his side and joined the others in the living room, settling on the couch next to Greg, who immediately held her hand with his own.

Angel watched the group laugh at Buffy's story about how they visited the Jameson distillery, where Buffy promptly decided she did _not_ like whiskey, much to Angel's amusement.

Lucky was not a term he generally associated with Buffy's life, or any of their lives. Angel always thought of her life as unfair. He was angry with the Powers for shoving the weight of the world on her young shoulders. But she was the longest living Slayer on record. She had her family. She had friends that stuck by her even after she let them in on the secret horrors of the world. Maybe Buffy _was_ pretty lucky, considering her circumstances.

Angel knew he was lucky. He could still be homeless, alone, starving and dirty, had Whistler never showed Buffy to him. Or what if he hadn't killed that gypsy girl all those years ago? Would he still be running around Europe with Darla, leaving a bloody trail everywhere they went? Angel wasn't sure which was worse.

Angel looked around the living room, regarding each of his friends as he thought about what Joyce said. Greg was attacked by a vampire, but met Buffy and eventually Joyce due to the ordeal. Now they were married. Joyce had a recent health scare, but Greg was home when she started to complain of a severe headache and he was able to take her to the hospital. His early intervention saved her life. Dawn was technically just a ball of energy, but Buffy's sacrifice relieved her of that burden. Oz was a werewolf, but with the help and support of his friends he was getting the hang of controlling the change each month.

Angel walked into the living room and Buffy immediately looked up at him. She smiled and patted the arm of the large comfy chair she was sitting in. Angel perched on it beside her and rested his hand on her back.

Buffy looked up at him, laughter still lighting up her face, and said, "Tell them the name of the horse you had when we did that trail ride."

Angel grumbled down at her, but said, "…Buttercup."

Xander let out a bark of laughter, and Buffy launched into another story about how for the life of her she could not get her horse to stay on the trail.

Angel looked around at the happy faces of his friends and thought about what Joyce said earlier about being lucky. He remembered the hundreds of times they had all saved each other at some point over the past few years. Sometimes it was the result of careful planning and strategy, of stealth movements in the middle of the night, of weapons and blood and fighting. Sometimes it was just dumb luck.

Angel decided the reason didn't really matter.


	10. (Not) America's Sweetheart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know who these hockey players are, I just picked a few random names from the LA Kings roster. Had to include a reference to my team, the Bruins :)  
> The song used, "America's Sweetheart" is by Elle King.

_No there ain't nothing that I gotta prove,_   
_You think your words will make me black and blue,_   
_But I, I think I'm pretty with these old boots on._   
_I think it's funny when I drink too much, hey,_   
_You try and change me you can go to hell,_   
_Cause I don't want to be nobody else._   
_I like the chip I got in my front teeth,_   
_And I got bad tattoos you won't believe._

Gunn, Wesley, and Angel stepped out of Gunn's truck and walked towards Cordelia's front door. Gunn shifted the case of beer in his arms and mumbled, "Damn, it's still hot out."

The guys stepped into Cordelia's apartment and were greeted with the sight of Cordy and Fred sitting on the couch, giggling loudly as they sipped glasses of margaritas and swayed slightly to the loud music that was playing. The girls barely acknowledged the guys entering the apartment, and only looked up at them when Gunn said, "Um, hi! We came with reinforcements." He gestured to the case of beer under his arm.

Cordelia and Fred just looked at each other and dissolved into another fit of giggles. Gunn scowled slightly at them. Ever since they had brought Fred back from Pylea, he had found himself drawn to the smart girl. He vaguely wondered what they had been talking about.

Angel knew Buffy had spent the afternoon here with Cordy and Fred, but noted her absence from the living room. The high of traveling had dissipated after they had returned from their trip to Ireland following her resurrection. Angel recalled how Buffy enthusiastically told her family and friends back in Sunnydale about their weeks long trip, but then eventually retreated back within herself. The excitement of the trip was gone, and the crushing weight of being pulled out of Heaven returned.

As Wesley and Gunn chatted with Cordelia and Fred in the living room, Angel wandered into the kitchen.

_So kick out the jams, kick up the soul,_   
_Pour another glass of that rock and roll._   
_Turn up the band, fire in the hole,_   
_Gonna lose control tonight._

He lingered in the doorway, smiling at what he saw. Buffy was moving around the kitchen, softly singing to the song that was blaring from the living room. Los Angeles was in the middle of a heat wave, so she was wearing a pair of soft cotton shorts, peach colored with white piping on the edges, and a black spaghetti strap tank top.

Angel swallowed hard as he looked over her tanned skin, but was content to watch her sway her hips to the music. He was just so happy to see her enjoying herself; for the moment forgetting the misery of being ripped out of Heaven.

Angel leaned against the doorframe, figuring that the margaritas were causing her to not to sense his presence. He watched as she sang along to the music coming from the living room as she made another pitcher of margaritas.

_What do you want from me, I'm not America's sweetheart,_   
_So beat the drum with me, I'm not America's sweetheart._   
_Well they say I'm too loud for this town,_   
_So I lit a match and burned it down._   
_What do you want from me, I'm not America's sweetheart,_   
_But you love me anyway._

Buffy softly moved her hips in time with the music blasting from the living room, singing along to the words she knew. As she danced, she poured the margarita mix into the pitcher full of ice, and then grabbed the bottle of tequila, topping it off. Still swaying slightly to the music, she stirred the pitcher with a wooden spoon and raised the container to her lips and took a sip.

_My hands are dirty and my heart is cold,_

_The boys I've been with say I got no soul, when I,_   
_I meet another honey at the bar,_   
_I'll think its funny when I break his heart, mmm now._   
_My kind of medicine is whiskey straight,_   
_I got a mouth to put you in your place, and they,_   
_They said I'll never be the poster type,_   
_But they don't make posters of my kind of life._

Still moving to the music, Buffy contemplated the taste of the drink she just made. Angel watched as she shrugged to herself and added another few splashes of tequila.

When she sipped again from the pitcher, Angel walked fully into the kitchen, making his presence known.

Buffy's face lit up when she saw Angel. She swallowed her mouthful of margarita, put the pitcher down and dashed over to him, wrapping her arms around his middle. His arms automatically surrounded her body and he smiled down at her.

"Hi," she said, resting her chin on his chest and gazing up at him.

Angel wanted to respond, but found himself struggling to do so. The way she was beaming at him… It was just so good to see her smile again and enjoying life that he was at a loss for words.

Angel just smiled down at Buffy and ran his hand through her soft hair. At his silence, Buffy asked, "What?"

Angel continued to smile and stroke her hair, but eventually said, "It's just good to see you happy."

Buffy smiled back at him, understanding what he meant. "Well, the margaritas help. You want one?" she asked him.

He didn't answer, but just leaned down to press his lips against hers. Buffy smiled against his lips before opening her mouth to let his tongue inside. He tasted her fully before she had to break away for air.

Angel smiled down at her and said, "Tastes better on you."

Buffy just laughed at him and asked, "How was the game?"

As if on cue, Gunn came into the kitchen, carrying the case of beer, and said, "How was the game? Umm, how about INCREDIBLE?!"

Buffy just laughed softly and wrapped her arm around Angel's middle. Gunn passed Angel a beer from the case, grabbing one for himself, and put the rest in Cordelia's refrigerator.

"Buffy, it was insane," Gunn said to her, cracking his beer. "Kings were down one, when out of nowhere Gaborik passes the puck to Brown…" he put his beer down on the counter and mimed using a hockey stick to pass an invisible puck to Angel, who released Buffy and used his own "hockey stick" to receive the "puck" from Gunn.

"And then Brown fires it off to Carter…" Angel continued. Buffy raised her eyebrow and an amused smile came across her face as Angel imitated passing a hockey puck back to Gunn.

Gunn shot the invisible puck into an invisible goal and said, "And score! Tied it up, and we beat the Bruins in overtime." Gunn finished with a smile and took a long swig of his beer.

Buffy looked between the two men and said, "Sounds fun…" She didn't sound very convinced.

Wesley strode into the kitchen and opened the fridge, rooting around for a beer. "Personally, I don't believe that grown men on ice skates punching each other actually qualifies as a sport," he said, popping open his beer and leaning against the counter. Angel looked as though Wesley had personally offended him and Buffy tried not to laugh at the expression on her boyfriend's face.

"Now, football, there's a true sport," Wesley continued. Gunn opened his mouth to retaliate, but Wesley cut him off saying, "Not your horrid American 'football', I mean real football."

Gunn just stared at him in shock and said, "How dare you…football is a staple of American culture!"

Wesley walked past him and headed towards the living room. "American culture?!" he asked incredulously. "The only culture America has is guns, fast food, and obesity!"

Gunn followed Wesley down the hall into the living room, "Yeah and we're proud of it!"

Buffy laughed to herself and went to follow them into the living room. When she noticed Angel wasn't following her, she looked back at him questioningly and held out her hand to him.

Angel had watched the whole exchange between Gunn and Wesley with amusement. Looking at Buffy, waiting for him to follow her, he was overcome with a sudden rush of gratefulness. If someone had told him 100 years ago that he would fall in love with a Slayer, and have just watched an ex-Watcher argue with his friend about sports, he would have never believed it.

As he intertwined his fingers with Buffy's and followed her down the hallway, he was thankful that his life wasn't anything other than this.


	11. Acclimation

“Focus on your surroundings…you’re more in tune to them than you think.”

Angel’s low voice was right next to Buffy’s right ear and she could feel his cool, hard body lightly against her back. Buffy took a deep breath and tried to follow his instructions, trying not to be annoyed that she was blindfolded. It was a little hard to focus when he was this close to her. Buffy scolded herself silently. _You’ve been sleeping with him since high school…control yourself!_

Angel’s voice brought her back to the present. “Think about how you can sense when me, or another vampire is near. About how you can feel it,” Angel continued, not moving from his spot behind her.

Buffy smiled a little and said, “Don’t you know it.” She couldn’t resist wiggling her hips against him a little bit.

“Buffy, focus,” Angel admonished. Even though she couldn’t see him, she could hear the smirk on his face at her comment. “Tap into that sense.”

Angel backed away from Buffy, watching her carefully. Although she was blindfolded, she seemed to be scanning the environment with her other senses. Her tiny body was tense, a spring loaded weapon ready to snap into action. Her hand opened and closed around the stake she was holding. Angel leaned against a headstone and waited.

Buffy heard a slight noise in front of her and readied herself. A vampire emerged from the woods and rushed at her, snarling. Buffy waited until the last second before hitting him with a quick combination of punches and kicks before staking him efficiently. Another vampire rushed out of the woods and came at her again. Buffy made quick work of him, and the two more that followed. Angel watched Buffy with pride, glad this little exercise was going well.

Suddenly a fierce roar that was most definitely not a vampire came from the woods. “Huh?” Buffy said to herself, confused. She ripped off the blindfold just as a large demon barreled towards her. Buffy stared wide-eyed at the long sword the scaly demon grasped in its hand. She neatly sidestepped it, but the demon quickly recovered and came at her again. Buffy cursed to herself, wishing she also had a sword, or at least a knife.

She traded a few blows with the demon, expertly avoiding the sword, slowly gaining the upper hand in the fight. Just when she thought she had him in prime positing for a stake to the heart, the demon vanished right before her eyes with a small popping sound.

Buffy looked around, confused at how the demon suddenly vanished. She looked over at Angel, who hadn’t moved from his spot next to the headstone. He looked just as confused as her, and shrugged his shoulders to indicate he had no clue how that happened.

Buffy heard another popping noise from behind her. Just as she was about to turn around to resume her fight with the demon, she looked down and saw that the demon’s sword was now protruding about four inches from her abdomen.

“Shit…” Buffy muttered to herself. Angel winced. Buffy threw her hands up in exasperation and said, “Willow! Since when can demons teleport?”

The graveyard around Buffy and Angel wavered and then melted away to reveal the brick walls of the training room at the Magic Box. Willow sat cross-legged against the wall, busily typing away on her laptop. Giles leaned against the wall, sipping from a mug of tea as he looked down at Willow’s computer screen.

“Sorry,” Willow said, glancing up at Buffy and Angel. “Must be a bug. I’m looking through the code now.”

“It’s okay Will. Sorry for being snappy,” Buffy said as she walked over to her bottle of water sitting on the ground against one of the walls of the training room. The witch just smiled up at her in response and continued to type away on her laptop.

Since Buffy’s resurrection and subsequent readjustment to normal life, she had become more and more focused on honing her Slayer skills which resulted in a great deal of time spent in the training room at the Magic Box with Giles, and Angel when he was in town. The virtual reality training sequence was something new that Willow had come up with. Along with Jenny, they were able to combine magic and technology to create scenarios for Buffy to train in, all designed and controlled from Willow’s laptop.

Giles looked up from the computer screen to see his slayer and her vampire talking in hushed tones, their bodies mere inches from each other. Giles had a feeling that if the two were alone in the training room there would be far less than inches separating them. Angel picked up the small towel that was on the ground by Buffy’s water bottle and draped it around her neck. She whispered something to him and giggled, and he tugged at both ends of the towel around her neck to bring her face closer to his. Giles couldn’t see the vampire’s face, but if he could, he would bet there was a predatory smirk on it.

Giles cleared his throat and said, “Despite the…glitch, good job tonight Buffy.” At his voice, Buffy peered around Angel and smiled. “I’m sure that Willow and Jenny can fix our teleporting demon problem,” Giles continued. Buffy couldn’t help the soft snort of laughter that escaped her at Giles’ clear dislike of incorporating modern technology into her training sessions. Angel cocked an eyebrow and looked down at his girlfriend in question. She glanced back up at him as if to say, _‘Later’_.

Giles, feeling like he was intruding on some private conversation that only the two lovers could follow, cleared his throat again as he looked down at his watch. Just past sunset. “Buffy, why don’t you head off on patrol while we sort through this,” Giles said, gesturing down at Willow, who was seemingly oblivious to their conversation as she typed away on the laptop.

“If ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em,” Buffy said as she grasped Angel’s hand and lead him out of the training room.

Once the couple was out of the training room, Willow looked up at Giles and said, “What was that about?”

Giles sighed and said, “I don’t think we’ll ever know,” before taking a sip of his tea.


	12. Warmed Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this one's kinda dumb...but I was terribly sick with mono when writing this, so I made Buffy suffer with me.

Angel pulled the covers up higher around Buffy, making sure they were secure. He brought his hand up to brush her hair gently away from her damp forehead, frowning at the abnormally high temperature of her skin. Even though she was in a restless sleep, Buffy seemed to unconsciously lean into the cool temperature of Angel's hand, seeking some kind of relief from her fever. Angel frowned again and bent down to brush his lips against her forehead before standing up to exit her bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind him.

Willow looked up from her spot on the couch where she was watching TV at a low volume as the vampire as he entered the living room. "How is she?" she asked.

"Sleeping finally," Angel said. He didn't sit down, but just paced the small living room. "It took a few Advil PM's though."

"Well that's good, right? I mean just yesterday she was doing the whole, 'I don't need sleep, I'm the Slayer' thing," Willow supplied hopefully.

Angel didn't seem relived. Willow could practically feel the waves of tension coming off of him. "Thanks for calling me. I didn't know it was this bad."

Willow gave him a tight-lipped smile. "Well, you know Buffy…" she trailed off.

Yes, Angel did know Buffy. He knew she wasn't feeling well all week, and he knew not to believe her when she insisted it was "just a head cold". He knew that as long as she was conscious, she would slay. He also knew that a sick Slayer was a slow Slayer. And a slow Slayer was a dead Slayer.

No, Angel wasn't stupid. So he also knew that Slayers didn't get this ill naturally. Sure, there was that thing back in high school where she had the flu, but she kicked that in a few days, even with the demon drama at the hospital.

By now Willow had noticed that Angel was thinking over something as he paced the living room. "Angel?" she asked. The vampire stopped his pacing and looked at her. "What are you thinking?"

"That this isn't just a head cold," he responded.

"Well yeah, I think that's pretty obvious," Willow replied. At Angel's pointed look she caught on. "Oh! You think something's doing this to her."

"Or someone," Angel said. "Just another attempt to take down the Slayer."

"Wouldn't be the first time," Willow muttered.

Angel dug his cell phone out of his pocket. "I'm gonna call Giles."

Willow just nodded in agreement.

* * *

After struggling a bit with the apartment door, Willow finally undid the lock and stepped into the kitchen. Angel and Giles had already covered the small breakfast table with books, and currently had their heads bowed over a particularly ancient looking tome that Angel seemed to be translating for Giles.

Willow dumped the bags and boxes she carried in her arms on top of the books on the table and said, "Okay, these are all the test kits I could get from the hospital. We've got everything from Ebola to Mumps. You know I think that was the _one_ time I was actually happy that I went to high school with Ashley Gibbs. I _knew_ she would owe me one day. How'd she even become a nurse anyway? She made _me_ do all her biology homework…" Willow trailed off as she realized Angel and Giles were staring at her. "If this works, just be happy I was such a pushover in high school," she finished.

Angel gave her a small smile. "Thank you, Willow."

Willow nodded, resolve face firmly in place. "So the spell we did pretty much confirmed that what ever icky thing Buffy has is mystical in origin. Now we just gotta figure out what it is." Willow dug through one of the brown bags on the table and fished out a few items.

She held out a sterile syringe and several empty glass vials to Angel. "You're up," she said to him. "Better hope she took enough of those Advil PMs."

Angel eyed the medical equipment skeptically and shot a look at Giles, who gave a terse sigh before nodding in the general direction of Buffy's bedroom door. Angel grabbed the items from Willow before disappearing down the hall. Willow cringed internally a bit at the exchange. How quickly she forgot that anything having to do with Angel, Buffy, and Buffy's blood didn't tend to go over well with Giles.

"Ding ding, we have a winner!" Willow said excitedly. Angel practically threw the book he was reading down on the coffee table before leaping off the couch and heading towards the kitchen, Giles following close behind.

"Well, what is it?" Angel asked as he hovered over Willow's shoulder trying to make sense of whatever results she was looking at.

Willow put down the pamphlet she was holding and looked up at the vampire and Watcher. "Mono," she said simply.

Giles looked a bit surprised. "Really?" he asked.

"Really," Willow confirmed, checking the test kit's instructions again. "More specifically, infectious mononucleosis."

"Interesting," Giles said.

Angel looked between Willow and Giles, a confused expression on his face. "Um hello, eighteenth century knowledge of disease here. What's mono?"

Giles took off his glasses before answering. "It's quite common in young adults, particularly in high school, since it is exchanged through saliva." Willow could practically see the hackles rising on Angel as Giles said this, and she wondered how he continued speaking as though he wasn't standing next to an irritated vampire. "Symptoms include sore throat, fever, body aches, chills and fatigue. Everything Buffy has presented in the past few days."

"What's the cure?" Angel practically growled.

"Nothing," Giles said. "With rest and some cold or flu medication to alleviate the symptoms, they should go away within a few days. After that Buffy will most likely be fatigued for a couple weeks-"

"Weeks?!" Angel asked.

"Yes," Giles said, looking at the vampire. "Normally a Slayer would recover fairly quickly from something like this, but since this strain appears to be magically altered, it is affecting Buffy as if she were a normal girl." Giles sat down at the table in the chair next to Willow. He looked over the information packet that came with the test kit. Willow recognized the look on his face as his "research mode" look. She glanced up at Angel, who was standing still as a statue, arms crossed, and was looking between Buffy's closed bedroom door and the supplies spread out on the table as if he wasn't sure where he should be right now.

"What I'm confused about," Giles said, still looking over the test kit pamphlets, "is why mono? It's not exactly a deadly disease. More of an uncomfortable inconvenience, really."

Angel began his pacing again. "I don't care what it is, just get me a name of whoever did this."

"Giles is right," Willow said gently to Angel. He shot her a glance. "This thing isn't dangerous. Maybe we should just let it run its course. The hardest part will be keeping Buffy off her feet anyway."

Angel couldn't help but smirk at that. He sat down on the other side of Willow at the table and said, "I can stay a few more days. And I'll come back whenever I'm free to help out with patrol."

"Thank you, Angel," Giles said sincerely.

The three sat in silence for a few moments before Willow said, "I wonder why mono? It's so…common. And I didn't even get to use the Ebola test kit!" She held up the unopened package, a little disappointed. Angel shot her a glare.

"Yes Willow, I've been wondering the same thing," Giles said.

"I mean, a third of our class got mono junior year. I think it was after that party Becky Anders had after Winter Formal. Cordy and Xander _definitely_ both had it," Willow recollected, a slight smile on her face. "A bunch of kids were out for a week or two, but no one _died_ or anything. It was generally something more demony that did that."

"Seems oddly specific," Angel said.

"Do you think the type of disease could hint at who is behind it?" Giles asked.

"Sounds like an old high school grudge to me," Angel replied.

"Then why go after Buffy?!" Willow asked, raising her voice. Angel shot her another glare and then glanced in the direction of Buffy's bedroom door. Willow looked apologetic and continued. "She saved everyone in that school tons of times! We had the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class!" Willow finished, with a small amount of pride in her voice. Angel just shrugged, and Giles continued to look deep in thought.

"Okay," Willow stated. "So who did we go to high school with, who probably didn't like Buffy very much, has a decent amount of knowledge about both science _and_ the dark arts, still lives in town with nothing better to do than tinker around in their mom's basement…." Willow trailed off and her eyes grew wide.

"I know who it is," she said.

Angel looked directly at her and said, "Get me an address."

* * *

"Ugh, I can't believe I have mono," Buffy said groggily as Angel handed her a mug of hot tea before sitting next to her on the couch. "It's so… _high school_."

"Maybe you'll make it trendy again," Oz said from his spot next to Willow on the opposite end of the cozy L-shaped couch that was in the girl's living room.

"Unlikely," Buffy said as Angel attempted to rearrange the blankets around her. "I wouldn't wish this misery on anyone," she added as she swatted away Angel's hands. "And I can't believe it was Jonathan and his creepy little friends! How many times did I save their butts in high school? And this is what I get?"

"They won't be causing anymore problems," Angel said cryptically as he wrapped an arm around Buffy's shoulders. She sank back against him gratefully as his cool body soothed her feverish and achy one.

"Yeah, Angel and I made a pretty good team!" Willow said brightly. "He did the growly, smashing part and I finished up with a few spells to de-magic all their supplies."

Buffy looked up at Angel and said in a dramatic, Southern-belle voice, "My hero!" She then reached up and gave him a small kiss on the base of his chin. She then frowned at him after a moment.

"You know I didn't kiss any of those losers, right?" Buffy asked Angel, suddenly a little worried. "I know mono is called the 'kissing disease,' but yuck! I would never!"

Before Angel could respond, Willow said, "We're pretty sure they just cast a spell."

"Oh," Buffy said. "Good, I guess…" She looked back up at Angel and said, "Unless _you_ gave it to me." Angel just raised his brow at her. "You did do quite a bit of kissing back in the day," Buffy said with a smirk, poking her boyfriend playfully in the arm. Buffy obviously knew that Angel couldn't have gotten her sick, but she couldn't resist teasing him, especially since he had kept her bedridden for the past two days.

"It's late, let's get you to bed, huh?" Angel said as he took the mug of tea out of Buffy's hands and helped her off the couch. Willow and Oz smirked at each other. Angel ignored their teasing and was just glad Buffy's sense of humor seemed to be returning.

Before Angel could sequester his girlfriend in her bedroom, she stopped and turned around. "Wait a minute, about my patrol schedule-"

"NO!" Angel, Willow, and Oz all said in unison, cutting her off.

"Okay, okay," Buffy said, raising her hands in surrender. "Didn't realize this was a dictatorship," she mumbled as Angel placed his hands on her shoulders and guided her down the hallway to her bedroom.

"Tough patient," Oz said after a moment, causing Willow to let out a snort of laughter before resting her head on his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, yeah, not my greatest plot line, but I was in a serious rut. This was my way of dealing with The Trio, since I absolutely hated that story arc in the show. I highly doubt they would have been around as long if there was an angry Angel in the picture! The good news is that my night class is done so hopefully I will have more time to write now!


	13. The Potential in the Impossible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys...this one's a doozy (for a few reasons). It turned out to be way longer than I anticipated. Also, I really struggled with even publishing it, since it's such a sensitive topic...but once the idea got in my head I couldn't get it out. I thought it would be interesting to have Buffy and Angel have a "normal human" problem rather than a supernatural one. Also the show never really dealt with pregnancy issues (Angel touched on it a few times), so here we are. Please, please let me know what you guys think...let me know if I'm crazy and this was a horrible idea, or not!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: this chapter is about the loss of a pregnancy.

Buffy pushed her hair back from her slightly clammy face and grabbed a piece of toilet paper from the roll hanging to her left. She dabbed her mouth and tossed the used scrap of toilet paper in the porcelain bowl in front of her before flushing the remnants of last night's dinner away. The blonde Slayer took a deep breath before slowly standing up and looking at herself in the mirror. She pressed a hand to her sweaty forehead and tried to calm her breathing. More than one morning had ended up like this, with her head in toilet expelling whatever food may remain in her stomach.

Buffy wasn't an idiot. She knew what this meant. As she looked at her pale reflection in the mirror she tried to remember her last period.

It was impossible…but the symptoms were staring her in the face. She tried to attribute her missed periods to stress. The arrival of half a dozen potential Slayers at her Sunnydale apartment wasn't exactly a calming experience. With the Bringers attacking said girls, Buffy scrambled to find a safe haven for them and ended up housing them in a large mansion on Crawford Street that Angel had graciously purchased. Buffy was extremely grateful for his help, but also concerned at his rising caseload in LA. She was on edge, to say the least.

With her most recent battles at the forefront of her mind, Buffy pushed away any thoughts of missed periods and nausea. She heaved a heavy sigh and walked out of the bathroom, reminding herself that she needed to get to Angel's mansion to check on the Potentials.

* * *

Later that night, Buffy hummed in pleasure as Angel kissed and nuzzled his way down her neck, eventually focusing on her scar. Buffy smoothed her hands up and down his back and softly giggled as he continued to kiss her scar and rub his face into the spot where her neck and shoulder joined. She could feel him inhaling deeply as he continued to nuzzle her like a large, purring cat.

"Thanks for coming here early," Buffy whispered, not wanting to disturb the warm silence between them. Angel simply grunted in response as he continued to run his hands up and down Buffy's sides and press himself more firmly into the crook of her neck.

Buffy giggled again and continued to run her hands over the muscles in his back, loving the attention he was giving her neck. She vaguely wondered for the hundredth time why the Slayer in her wasn't screaming at her to fight as a vampire pressed his body against hers and covered every inch of her vulnerable neck with his mouth. Buffy figured that the part of her that was purely just a girl, all soul and no Slayer, recognized it's mate, no matter what form he took.

"God…you smell so… _good_ ," came Angel's husky voice, muffled against the skin of her shoulder, drawing Buffy out of her musings. Buffy sighed happily and wrapped her arms more tightly around Angel, as he drew his head up from her shoulder for a deep kiss.

Buffy was used to her boyfriend loving her scent. It was just one of the quirks of dating a vampire. But the way he was almost obsessively inhaling her with his dead lungs and rubbing against her like a predatory cat caused Buffy to wonder. A wave of nausea rolled through her stomach and she froze, remembering her trip to the bathroom that morning.

Angel pulled back and furrowed his brows at her. "What? You okay?"

Buffy took a shaky breath and looked up at him. "Yeah," she responded, not sounding very convincing.

Angel just raised an eyebrow and continued to stare at her. _'Damn him,'_ Buffy thought to herself. "Um…I'm late," she finally said, avoiding looking him in the eye.

Angel smirked and said, "Late for what? When I got here you said we weren't leaving the bedroom all weekend. 'Screw those Potentials' I believe were the exact words."

Buffy sighed, mildly annoyed that he didn't understand her. "No...I'm _late,_ Angel," she said, with emphasis on the word 'late', hoping he would get it. Angel stared at her blankly for a moment before the realization washed over him.

"Oh," he muttered before rolling away from her and lying on his back. " _Oh_ ," he repeated with a bit more understanding, staring blankly at the ceiling above him.

"Yeah…" Buffy said, pulling the sheet tighter against her chest. At Angel's continued silence she turned towards him and rested on her side. "I mean, I know it's impossible. You…can't…do that…" she uttered. Angel turned his head to look at her. "Make little vampires," she clarified. Angel looked back up at the ceiling. "But here we are," she continued. "At first I thought it was all the stress with all the Potentials showing up and this mess with the First that was making me late, but it's been two months now, and the past few mornings I've felt really nauseous and I've made more than a few trips to the bathroom throughout the day…" Angel simply raised his eyebrow at her babbling. "And you know I haven't been with anyone else, right? I mean I would never, _ever_ do that. I love you, Angel. I'm always gonna love you, no matter what this means."

"Have you taken a test?" Angel turned to face her, cutting off her nervous rambling.

"Huh?" Buffy said, raising a brow at him.

Angel smiled slightly. "A test. To make sure."

"A test!" Buffy said. How had that not occurred to her? "I gotta take a test," she mumbled as threw the covers off of her body and flitted around her bedroom, dressing quickly.

Angel watched her, his brow furrowed in concern. A million thoughts were running through his mind ( _Could she really be pregnant I can't be a father what do I have to offer has she been with someone else impossible I would be able to tell she can't be pregnant Slayers can't get pregnant can they vampires can't have babies can they what life could we offer a child oh God I want her children so bad beautiful babies always in danger impossibleimpossibleimpossible_ ) but he had to stay calm for Buffy.

Angel reached out and grabbed Buffy's arm as she finished tugging a t-shirt over her head. "Hey," he said softly. Buffy froze. "I love you." He saw her tense body relax a fraction at his words. "I trust you," he continued. "And no matter what happens, I'm always gonna be with you."

Buffy quirked a smile and said, "Even if I'm covered in slime?"

Angel gave her a half smile back and squeezed her hand. "Even if you're covered in slime."

* * *

The only thing Angel could think, was that he was the only vampire in the history of the universe to not only have a soul, but also be sitting on his girlfriend's bed, who was a _Slayer_ , waiting for her to come out of the bathroom with the results of a pregnancy test.

He snapped his head up at the sound of Buffy leaving the bathroom. She walked into her bedroom, closing the door behind her, all while staring at the little white stick she held in her hand.

After a few moments of silence while Buffy continued to stare at the test, Angel finally asked, "Well?"

"I don't know," Buffy answered.

"Huh?" Angel responded.

Buffy shot him a panicked look at sat beside him on the bed. "I mean I don't know! Look," she said, shoving the stick in his face. "Two lines mean yes, one line means no. What the hell is _this_ supposed to mean?!"

Angel stared at the small piece of plastic in front of him. There was clearly one pink line visible…but next to it was…unclear. If he looked very closely, at the right angle, there was a very faint pink line. It seemed to flicker in and out of his sight; there one minute and gone the next.

Angel took a deep, unneeded breath and said, "I don't know." Buffy groaned and fell backwards on the bed, covering her face with her hands. Angel placed the test on the nightstand and turned to Buffy. He braced himself on one elbow and cradled her face with his other hand. When she didn't remove her hands from her face, he placed light kisses across her knuckles, gently urging them downwards with the hand that was brushing her cheek. She still kept her eyes closed, and Angel placed a soft kiss on each eyelid.

Buffy finally opened her eyes and stared up at Angel, instantly feeling calmer while looking into his eyes.

"What do I do?" she asked in a quiet voice. "I can't have a kid right now. I just can't do it."

"Shh," Angel soothed, ever the voice of reason. "We don't know if it's positive, and if it is…you have options." Buffy furrowed her brow, confused, and Angel continued. "I mean, you could make a decision. And no matter what you decide, I'll be okay with it." Angel swallowed deeply. Rationally he knew that a baby would complicate their lives immensely right now, not to mention be extremely dangerous…but when he pictured a little boy or girl, a perfect blend of his and Buffy's features…he couldn't help the jolt of excitement at the possibility. Angel shook those thoughts from his head and said, "It's your body, Buffy."

"But you're a part of this too!" Buffy said desperately. "I need you to be a part of this! No matter what!"

"And I will be," Angel replied. "But first we have to see if there's anything to be a part of…." Buffy looked at him in confusion. "Is there a doctor you can make an appointment with? To make sure?"

Buffy stared at him for a moment, dazed, before saying, "Oh. Yeah I have one." She then sat up and abruptly left the bed, looking for her phone.

* * *

Buffy couldn't make an appointment for another week to see an OB/GYN, and Angel had to return to LA, so the week following the unclear pregnancy test was stressful to say the least. Buffy immersed herself in work at the brand new Sunnydale High School as a guidance counselor, training the Potential Slayers, and her routine patrols. In LA, Angel took on each new case aggressively, distracting himself from the doctor's appointment he would be attending with Buffy later in the week,

It wasn't that either of them didn't want a family together…but the timing was all off. Buffy was barely 21 years old, and Angel…well since being with Buffy, Angel put more and more faith in the Shanshu prophecy and was hoping to be human again before starting a family with Buffy. It was a dream they had spoken about together, and everyday it seemed closer and closer within their grasp.

But right now…right now was not the time. Their lives were simply too chaotic. They weren't even living in the same city! Angel thought about all this and more as he climbed the stairs to the ground floor of the parking garage that was attached to Buffy's doctor's office. She had made the appointment late in the day so Angel could enter the garage via sewer access, and by the time the appointment was over, it would be dark out.

Angel opened the stairwell door that lead to the parking garage and saw Buffy pacing by her parked car. She looked up at him immediately, and a grateful smile graced her face. Angel strode over to her quickly and gave her a brief but welcoming kiss.

"Hey," he said, taking her hands in his own as he looked her over.

Buffy fidgeted slightly as she also looked over Angel's body and responded, "Hey."

Satisfied with each other's well being after a week apart, Angel squeezed Buffy's hands gently and asked, "You ready?" Buffy nodded bravely and walked with him into the medical office building.

Given her fear of hospitals, Buffy was surprisingly patient as the nurse took her blood pressure, temperature, and other vitals. Angel stood in the corner, hovering anxiously at everything the nurse had Buffy do, from changing into a gown, to holding her arm out so the nurse could take her blood pressure.

Finally a technician arrived with the ultrasound machine and began setting up. Buffy reached for Angel's hand, and he immediately grasped hers, squeezing reassuringly. She looked up at him, trying to convey through just her eyes how grateful she was that he was not only here, but in her life, and how much she loved him. Angel gave her his half smile, the one she thought was devastatingly adorable, indicating that he understood.

The ultrasound technician, a young girl with dirty blonde hair in a plain ponytail, not much older than Buffy, asked, "So, what brings you here today?"

Buffy and Angel stared at her for a moment, as if it should be obvious, before Buffy said, "Um, I took a pregnancy test, and it was…unclear."

The technician nodded and began to ask Buffy questions…When did you take the test…When was your last period…Is he the father…What method of birth control do you use…

They were beginning to get into questions that Buffy didn't feel comfortable answering, and she could practically feel Angel squirming next to her, so she finally said, "Look, can you just tell me if I'm pregnant or not?"

The technician blinked and said, "Sure, let's get started." She instructed Buffy to lie back on the examination table and place her feet in the stirrups at the end of the table. She covered Buffy's lower half with a paper cloth, and gently pushed up the gown, exposing Buffy's abdomen. Buffy's grip on Angel's hand continued throughout the process.

The technician was explaining everything that she was doing, as she squirted some cool gel on Buffy's stomach, and began to program the ultrasound machine. Her voice was background noise to Buffy, who was staring at the gel on her stomach, and squeezing Angel's hand so tightly she could feel his bones.

"Okay, let's see what's going on in there," the technician said as she started to move the probe across Buffy's belly. A blurry black and white image appeared on the display screen, and Buffy stared at it intently, trying to decipher some sort of image, or pattern.

The ultrasound technician moved the probe around, searching for something, before stopping and saying, "Okay, there we are!" Both Buffy and Angel stared at the screen, seeing nothing more than black, white, and gray blurred together. As the technician moved the probe around slightly, Buffy began to see a slight spot in the middle of all the blur…so subtle that it could easily could be missed. A rush of emotion came over her as she viewed what she immediately mentally called "their smudge", and she squeezed Angel's hand even harder. She looked up at him as fat tears welled in her eyes. He didn't look at her, but continued to look at the screen in awe.

The technician finally stilled the probe on the image of the smudge, and with a smile on her face said, "Well, it looks like your test was positive! I can get a nice picture for you…" The girl trailed off and the smile fell from her face. She stared at the ultrasound screen for another minute, moving the probe around Buffy's stomach. "I'll be right back with the doctor." And with that she was out the door.

Buffy tore her eyes from the screen and looked up at Angel, "What…what was that?" she asked him, dread and nausea bubbling up in her stomach.

Angel couldn't tear his eyes away from their smudge on the screen. "I…I don't know."

A middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair entered the room and shook Buffy and Angel's hands briskly. "Hello, I'm Dr. Clarke, it's nice to meet you both." Buffy and Angel remained silent as he put on a pair of gloves and sat down in front of the ultrasound machine. He picked up the probe and began moving it around Buffy's stomach. He stilled again on the little smudge and furrowed his brow. Buffy felt like she couldn't breathe. Dr. Clarke finally put the probe down after a few minutes and looked at Buffy and Angel.

"You took an at home pregnancy test that was positive, correct?" he asked them gently.

"It-it was…unclear," Buffy stuttered out.

"I believe it was positive," Dr. Clarke said gently.

Angel tensed and squeezed Buffy's hand tighter. "So I'm…I'm pregnant?" Buffy squeaked out.

Dr. Clarke sighed and said, "I believe you were at the time of the test. But after seeing your ultrasound…I can see that there _was_ a fertilized embryo, but it is no longer viable."

Buffy could hear her heart pounding in her ears, could feel Angel's bone tight grip on her hand. "So I'm not…" she finally asked.

Dr. Clarke shook his head. "You were for a short period of time. But unfortunately you will miscarry."

Buffy went limp, releasing her tight grip on Angel's hand. Dr. Clarke began to speak about what would happen next, rattling off a list of instructions and prescriptions that Buffy has to take over the next few weeks. He directed his words at Angel, filling his hands with packets of information and slips of paper from a prescription pad, since Buffy had not spoken or taken her eyes off the ultrasound screen since the doctor started speaking.

The doctor eventually left the room after once again offering his condolences, and Angel helped Buffy change out of the gown and into her own clothes, all in silence. They left the office and walked through the parking garage, all in silence. By an unspoken agreement, Angel got in the driver's side of Buffy's Jeep, and he began to drive them to the nearest pharmacy.

* * *

Buffy was quiet the entire drive. She was trying to sort through her feelings, but found she couldn't. She mourned for something that she never really had to begin with, and wasn't even sure she wanted. She felt relief that she wouldn't have to make the incredibly hard decision to keep a baby or not, or worry about being pregnant during such a stressful and dangerous time in her life, and then immediately felt guilty for thinking that. She felt worry about Angel. Was he relieved also? Sad? Angry at her for being unable to sustain the life they created?

Angel parked the Jeep in the pharmacy parking lot and turned off the engine. After a moment of silence, Angel turned to Buffy and took her limp hand in his. He rubbed his thumb over the claddagh ring she wore on her ring finger, and looked over her face, illuminated only by the streetlights. Finally unable to take the silence anymore, Angel said, "Talk to me Buffy."

She turned to him and without meeting his eyes said, "You must hate me."

Angel was genuinely shocked. "What?" he asked her.

"It's all my fault. I put you through all this…stress, and for what? Nothing. My stupid body can't even keep alive something we made." She looked up at him, panicked. "I don't work right, Angel. I was brought back from the dead for God's sake! I'm all wrong!"

Angel gently shushed her and took her face in his hands. "Buffy. Don't _ever_ think you are wrong. You're here, and alive, and we're together. What could be wrong about that?"

Buffy gave him a half smile for a split second and then placed her hands on his and brought them down from her face. She laced her fingers through his and stared at them for a few moments. Angel was about to turn and open the door to head into the pharmacy, when Buffy spoke, so quietly it would have been easy to miss.

"We made a baby," she whispered. Angel was silent again, waiting to see if she would continue. "I mean, I don't know if it really counts since…" she trailed off quietly. "But we did what I always thought was impossible."

Angel squeezed her hands in his own. "We did," he whispered.

Buffy looked at him and smiled. "It wasn't the right time," she said. "But maybe someday it will be."

Angel smiled back at her. Their entire relationship…hell, their entire lives, were based on impossibilities. A vampire with a soul, in a relationship with a Vampire Slayer, who had been brought back from the dead _twice_ ….all impossible. And yet…

Angel had never believed in the Shanshu prophecy more than he did in that very moment. Maybe this whole ordeal was a sign that their dream of picket fences and Sunday picnics and trips to the beach and diaper changes and play dates and parent-teacher conferences and sleepless nights because teenagers tended to break curfew, wasn't so impossible after all.

 


	14. Final Gasp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant for this to be a super short chapter, but it turned into a normal length one. Title comes from something Spike said during the episode "Fool For Love".
> 
> Things to know/remember: Buffy still died and was resurrected (as in canon). Joyce is still alive and is married to Greg (introduced in an earlier chapter of my story) so he is Buffy's stepdad. I think that's all you need to know for this chapter!
> 
> Enjoy!

_He got me. This is it, I'm going to die. I fought so hard, and yet it comes to this._

Angel felt Buffy squirm in his arms. He sleepily opened one eye and saw her shifting in her sleep.

_I can't move my arms. I need my arms to fight. I can't fight if I don't have my fists. Where is my Watcher?_

Buffy twitched more in her sleep. Angel drowsily pulled her closer, unconsciously trying to soothe her.

_The blade cut smoothly into the skin of her cheek. He pulled the knife back and examined the blood before slowly licking it off the metal. She looked at him in disgust. He laughed at her._

" _I've got you Slayer. You're going to die here," he taunted her._

_She knew he was telling the truth._

Buffy began to move restlessly in her sleep. By now Angel was fully awake. He looked at the girl in his arms and tried to rouse her from her troubled sleep.

"Buffy," Angel whispered.

He got no response.

"Buffy," he said with a bit more force, grasping her shoulder.

_He smiled cruelly at her, admiring the many cuts he adorned on her battered body. He twirled a curved blade in his hand as he paced the stone room._

" _I wonder, what does a Slayer hold dear?" he asked absentmindedly._

_She pulled herself up straighter as best she could, given that she was chained to the wall and severely injured._

_She spit out a mouthful of blood. "I have no one. Even if you kill me, another will come for you," she spat at him._

_He raised his eyebrows at that. "I'm well aware of the Slayer lore," he stated coolly. "But that's not why we are here."_

_His mouth twisted into a manic smile. He leaned down and whispered in her ear, his putrid breath causing her to hold back a gag._

" _I just want to play."_

_She screamed for what seemed like hours._

_Eventually the pain ceased, and a stillness came over her. He was still inflicting his torture on her body, but she had mentally moved passed it._

_She knew she was going to die._

_She didn't feel hurt anymore._

_She didn't feel the crushing responsibility of being the Slayer anymore._

_She felt peace._

_She welcomed Death._

_She was relieved._

Buffy awoke with a strangled gasp and shot upright in the bed.

She breathed heavily, adrenaline pumping through her system as she looked at her surroundings. She didn't recognize them at first, but she quickly realized that she wasn't in a stone dungeon in the 1600s. A vampire wasn't torturing her for days. She took a few deep breaths, familiarizing herself with the bedroom she was in.

Angel, who was awake by now, leaned up and gently touched Buffy on her bare shoulder. Buffy gasped and jumped at his touch. She clutched the sheet to her bare chest and tried to control her breathing.

"Sorry," Angel whispered. "Another dream?"

Buffy, still breathing a little heavy, nodded. She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the glass of water that was sitting there, taking a few sips. She put the glass down and remained upright, still trying to calm herself.

Buffy had been having Slayer related dreams ever since she was Called, but recently they had been different. It begun when the Potential Slayers started showing up in Sunnydale. The dreams were more intense, more vivid. They tended to focus on past Slayers deaths, and Buffy was reliving them. It was taking a toll on her already limited hours of sleep.

When Angel insisted she get away from Sunnydale for a weekend and come to LA, Buffy refused. She had too much to deal with on the Hellmouth, too many responsibilities to attended to.

Buffy finally agreed when her own mother, stepfather, and sister, not to mention her friends and Giles practically kicked her out of town for the weekend. Even Spike offered to patrol for the weekend.

Not wanting to be too far from their respective homes in case of emergency, Angel booked a weekend at a cozy Bed & Breakfast in a sleepy seaside town in between Sunnydale and Los Angeles. His caseload in LA was at an all time high, and Buffy was dealing with a literal Apocalypse, so their alone time together had been seriously lacking in the past few weeks.

Buffy settled back into the comfy bed in their room at the Bed & Breakfast, and tried to focus on the sound of the crashing waves coming in through the open window. Although she was beyond stressed, she felt a rush of gratitude and love towards Angel for insisting on this weekend away. She truly needed it. Even if they didn't leave the bedroom…

Angel turned on his side facing Buffy and brushed his hand gently over her shoulder. "Do you want to talk about it?" he whispered, referencing the dream she just had. He knew from her phone calls to him that the dreams were getting worse.

Buffy turned towards him and burrowed into his chest. Usually the dreams were about how past Slayers had died, and Buffy could feel every emotion they were going through as it happened.

Angel rubbed his hands up and down her back for a few minutes, trying to calm her back into sleep, before she spoke.

"That one was the worst so far," she whispered into his chest.

Angel furrowed his brow. "Why," he asked gently.

Buffy was silent for a few moments. "She was so scared. And in so much pain. But then she felt nothing. And she was okay. She felt relief."

Angel continued to rub her back, occasionally drifting his hand through her hair. Finally he asked, "Why does that make it the worst?"

Buffy stiffened for a second before answering. "Because I know that feeling. I know that relief. The peace. And it's so tempting to want that again. I know I have so much to live for, but it's so hard…"

Angel froze for a moment before clutching her body to his even closer. He knew she was thinking of when she was on that tower during the battle with Glory. He shuddered at the memory of the total calm and peace she exuded while telling him that she had to jump, to save the world, how she accepted Death, that it was her Gift. She was done. She was going to be okay.

He rained kisses in her hair, murmuring words of love and reassurance to her in Gaelic, which always seemed to sooth her.

He felt privileged that he could see all sides of her. The strong fighting Slayer, and the vulnerable girl. Sides that she would never tell her friends. After all these years he had truly accepted that his role in her life was not only the vampire soulmate, but also the boyfriend that loved every facet of her being. Even though it was over a year since her resurrection, Buffy was still dealing with the aftermath of being pulled from Heaven. Her friends didn't know, her mother didn't know, Giles didn't know. Only Angel did. So he was the only one who could guide her through these Slayer-death dreams she was having.

He hated that he didn't know how long these dreams would last. He hated that she had to experience them first-hand. And mostly he hated how selfish he was for loving that she was _here_ in his arms, a living, breathing person instead of Heaven, where he knew she was at peace.

And in that instant, Angel knew that he would sacrifice everything he had just to keep her safe, just like she had sacrificed her life to save the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Utoh...did I just foreshadow something? Find out in the next few chapters!


	15. The One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Some notes and reminders: Angel bought the Crawford Street mansion when the Potentials began showing up in Sunnydale and needed a place to stay. Since Angel never lost his soul and Angelus never moved into the mansion. Joyce never died, and is married to Greg. I always loved the conversation that Spike and Buffy had in this episode, but as a diehard B/A fan, I would have preferred if it was Angel, not Spike :) At this point in the series, Faith is back in Sunnydale. Let's just say that Angel and Wesley were able to pull some strings (connection with Kate?) to spring her out of jail. Also I changed Angel's car to a Mustang because I never really liked his convertable in the show.
> 
> Transcript for "Touched" was found here: www. /buffy/transcripts/142_tran. html
> 
> I changed around some of the conversation a bit to fit the scene with Angel in it instead of Spike.
> 
> Enjoy!

Angel cursed to himself silently as he pulled into the gravel driveway of the Crawford Street mansion. There were already a few cars parked there, meaning he was late. This was an important meeting, and despite everything going on in LA, Buffy needed him in Sunnydale at the moment. She told him it was simply for backup and his input on their newly gathered information about Caleb and the First, that she could handle it, but she wanted him there anyway. Angel had known her long enough to be able to detect something else going on; he could hear it in her voice. It was insecurity. Buffy was the strongest person he knew, but even leaders get uneasy sometimes. He told her he would be there by midnight, even just to stand in the background and look intimidating. He was glad to get a laugh out of her from that.

Angel shut the door to his Mustang and jogged to the front door. The many voices of the Potential Slayers lounging in the main room in front of the fireplace stopped immediately when he entered. He tried to give them a friendly smile, but could smell the spike in their fear immediately. Since he was only in Sunnydale a few weekends here and there, he was simply known as Buffy's "mysterious creature of the night boyfriend". Angel almost burst out laughing when he first overheard a Potential call him that, since he remembers Buffy referring to him in a similar way when she was their age. They were smart girls though. They must know of his past. Angel wondered how his relationship with Buffy affected their view of her. Since his years of being with Buffy, he had been working on not dwelling on such negative thoughts. He shook his head and walked into the kitchen where he could hear Giles, Willow, Xander and Faith were talking. He could tell as soon as he walked into the door that Buffy wasn't in the mansion. Maybe she was out patrolling and he could join her later.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," he said to the group gathered around the large island. All eyes snapped to them, and the tension in the room kicked up a notch. Angel immediately was on edge. "Where's Buffy?"

"Um," Willow answered, fidgeting slightly. "She's not here right now."

"Okay…when's she get back?" Angel asked.

Willow walked towards Angel, looking nervous. "Um, you weren't here, but earlier, we all got together and t-talked out some disagreements that we were having. Um…and eventually, after much discussion, Buffy decided that it would be best for all of us if she took a little time off. A little breather."

Angel stared at his girlfriend's best friend. He looked to Xander and Giles, and then back to Willow. "Uh-huh. Buffy decided…in the middle of the apocalypse, to take some time off," he said, unconvinced.

"Well, we all decided," Xander said.

Angel let out a dark chuckle. "Oh yeah, you all decided," he said, shaking his head. He looked around at the group of people that he had known for the past seven years. People he trusted. People Buffy trusted. "Who do you think you are?" he asked.

Willow stepped up again and said, "We're her friends, we just want-"

Angel felt the anger bubbling up in him and couldn't stop himself from snapping, "You're her friends and you betray her like this?"

"You don't understand-" Giles started to say.

"You know, I think I do," Angel said, interrupting him. "You used to be the big man, didn't you? The teacher, all full of wisdom. Now she's surpassed you, and you can't handle it." Angel had always held Giles with the highest respect, but right now he didn't seem to care. "She has saved your lives again and again. She's died for you, and this is how you thank-"

"Angel," Faith cut in, gently but firmly. "Take it down a notch. We all said our piece. You're just a little late for speech-giving."

In the span of a heartbeat, Angel advanced on Faith and stared down at her. "Finally got what you wanted after all these years, didn't you?" Faith glared up at him, trembling from the effort it took not to fight back.

After a few tense beats Angel said fiercely but quietly, "Where is she?"

"I don't know," Faith responded, not breaking eye contact.

Angel stared at her for a moment, then glanced at Giles and the others before turning and walking out the door.

It took Angel a few blocks to shake off the anger and start to think clearly. He didn't understand. Buffy was the most selfless, caring, determined person he had ever known. He had seen her lead and was left in awe. He knew she was under a lot of pressure and stress from dealing with both the Potentials and the upcoming Apocalypse, but she wasn't one to give up. No, she was pushed out. She gave everyday of her life since she was sixteen for these people. Hell, she died for them. She came back from Heaven and continued to fight for them. Yes, she was forced out. And Angel was pissed.

He finally slowed to a stop a few blocks from the mansion and closed his eyes, inhaling to search for her scent. Finding it, he continued down the street.

Angel followed Buffy's scent across town and was surprised to find himself standing in front of the small basement apartment that he still owned. The one he lived in while Buffy was in high school. The one that held so many significant memories of their relationship. Angel couldn't help but smile a little knowing that she came to this place.

He quietly unlocked the door and stepped into the dim light. Closing the door behind him, he turned and gazed at the sight in front of him.

Buffy was lying on his bed, curled up leaning against the headboard and looking very small. Her eyes were open but she didn't look up at him. Angel shrugged off his coat and draped it over a nearby armchair.

"Hey, there you are," he said quietly. Buffy didn't respond. Angel slowly walked towards her. He couldn't get a read on her emotions at the moment (which scared him slightly), so he didn't know how to begin. "I heard. I was over there. After all we've done for her…" Angel sighed. "I thought she changed. Makes me-"

Buffy cut him off, still not looking at him. "It wasn't just Faith. It was all of them." She finally turned her eyes to Angel and said, "It's not like they were wrong. Please leave."

"No," Angel responded. "I think you're right. Caleb is trying to hide something from you. I think it's at the vineyard you told me about."

Buffy was silent for a moment. "I don't feel very right," she finally said.

Angel walked closer to the bed. "You're not fooling me."

Buffy scoffed. "What do you even mean?" she asked.

"Well, you're not a quitter," Angel responded.

"Watch me."

"You were their leader, and you still are," Angel continued. "This isn't something you gave up, it's something they took."

Buffy looked up at him. "And the difference is?"

"We can take it back," Angel said firmly.

Buffy paused for a moment. "No," she said.

"You mean no as in eventually?" Angel asked.

Buffy sighed, sat up straighter and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. "You really have problems with that word, don't you?"

Angel stepped forward closer. "You can get them back."

"Can, maybe. Should?" she sighed and hung her head, pressing her palms against her eyes. "I'm just so tired."

"They need you," Angel said. He needed her to snap out of this. Not only for him, but for the world. At Buffy's silence he continued, "I mean it's chaos over there without you."

"Really?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah! Yeah, it's uh, there's junk, you know?" Angel said, in an attempt to peak Buffy's interest. "Food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up. Everyone's very scared and uh, unkempt."

Buffy smirked and rolled her eyes. "Sounds dire."

"I didn't see much," Angel said, sitting on the bed beside Buffy. "I came, yelled at Faith and left."

Buffy turned to him and asked, "Really? I mean, not that I'm glad but-"

"Say the word and she's a footnote in history," Angel cut in. "I'll make it look like a painful accident."

Buffy's smirk dropped. "That's my problem," she said, turning away from him. "I say the word, some girl dies. Every time."

"There's always casualties in war," Angel said softly.

Buffy shook her head. "Casualties. It just sounds so…casual. These are girls that I got killed. I cut myself off from them, all of them. I knew I was gonna lose some of them and I didn't…" Buffy stood up abruptly, and Angel followed her with his eyes.

"You know what? I'm still making excuses," she said, crossing her arms and pacing the space in front of him. "I've always cut myself off. I've always…" Buffy sighed and stopped. "Being the Slayer made me different. But it's my fault I stayed that way. People are always trying to connect to me…and I just slip away."

Angel looked up at her and said firmly, "You know I don't believe that."

"You don't…" Buffy responded. She shook her head and avoided his eyes. "You know that I've been different since I was brought back." Buffy looked around at the décor of the basement apartment. It brought her back to a simpler time. A time when all she worried about was getting home before her mom did. A time when the cool silence of the apartment was her and Angel's sanctuary during his sometimes sporadic weekend visits. "I've been unreachable," Buffy finished.

Angel stood quickly, slightly angry. "You seriously think that?"

Buffy felt tired again. "Please, I don't wanna go over this," she said, sitting back down on the bed.

Angel looked down at her and said, "Oh no, no. Hold on here. I listened to you but now I got something to say."

"Fine. Stage is yours. Cheer me up," Buffy said.

"You're wrong. About it all."

"Thank you. That really helped," Buffy deadpanned.

"I'm not trying to cheer you up," Angel told her.

Buffy threw her hands up and said, "What are you trying to say?"

"I don't know," Angel responded. "I'll know when I'm done saying it. Something pissed me off and I just – 'unreachable.' That's it."

"Fine," Buffy resigned. "I'm reachable. I'm a reach-a-thon. Can I just sleep now?"

Angel was determined. "No. You listen to me," he said, kneeling in front of her. He took her hands in his and kissed her knuckles gently. "I've been alive a bit longer than you and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which sometimes doesn't exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong calls."

Angel paused, looking Buffy in her eyes. He continued after a beat, "Two-hundred plus years and there's only one thing I've ever been sure of. You."

Buffy looked away and Angel reached up and gently turned her face back towards his. "Hey look at me," he said gently. "I'm not asking you for anything. When I say 'I love you' it's got nothing to do with me." Buffy furrowed her brows and a tear trickled down her face. She was pretty sure this was the most Angel had ever said in one sitting. And it was working.

"I love you for what you are, what you do, how you try," Angel continued, quietly but fiercely. "You've been through more than any girl your age should have to go through. And still…you get up every day and keep fighting. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are." Angel paused again, searching Buffy's eyes, trying to convey to her exactly the strength and depth of his feelings for her.

"You're a hell of a woman," he whispered firmly. "You're the one, Buffy."

"I don't wanna be the one," Buffy murmured.

Angel shrugged. "I don't wanna be this good looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear." Buffy chucked at that.

"You should get some rest. I'll do a quick patrol and in the morning we can figure out what to do next…if you want," Angel said, standing up and heading towards his jacket draped over the chair.

"Angel?" Buffy asked quietly. He turned and looked at her. He was suddenly transported to a rainy night in January five years ago when she looked so small and scared and innocent sitting on his bed. "Could you stay here?" Angel was quiet for a moment so Buffy continued. "There's nothing out there to patrol for anyway, the town's empty."

Angel suddenly thought of Buffy's family. He couldn't believe he didn't think about it before. "Where's your mom and Greg and Dawn?"

"I sent them to Santa Barbara. Vacation until further notice. They can't be here," she said, sounding very tired.

"Good," Angel said. "That's probably a good idea."

Buffy looked up at Angel, suddenly feeling very young. She felt a rush of gratitude towards him. He was the only one she could let her guard down to. That could get through to her even when she was at her lowest. She needed his strength right now, just as she had so many times over the years.

Buffy scooted up towards the headboard and moved over to give Angel space to lie next to her. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into the bed facing Buffy. She shifted closer to him and wrapped her arm around his middle, burying her face in his shirt and took a deep breath in, feeling comfort in his familiar masculine scent. Angel ran his hand soothingly down her hair and back, lulling her into sleep. He pressed his lips against the crown of her head, as a thought came to him.

He lifted his head slightly and looked around the apartment. "Why'd you come here?" he asked quietly, before she could fall fully asleep. Even though Angel no longer resided in Sunnydale, he still owned the small apartment. With Xander, Anya, and Oz so often hanging around Buffy and Willow's apartment, and the dozen or so Potential slayers constantly crowding Buffy, the couple sometimes retreated to Angel's old place for some peace and quiet when he was visiting. Sometimes it was only a few hours they could spare, but they didn't care. Angel wondered why Buffy came here, when her mother's house was currently empty, and her own bed wasn't too far.

"Hmm?" Buffy asked sleepily. "Oh, I don't know, I just kinda found myself here. I feel…safe here, I guess."

"You do?" Angel asked.

"Yeah," Buffy looked up at him. "There's good memories here," she said with a smirk. "I feel loved, and reassured here. Even when things are at their worst, I know we're gonna be okay."

Angel smiled at her and kissed her forehead again. Buffy closed her eyes and snuggled back into his chest. "Yeah, they we will be," he said.

Rationally, he knew there was no way he could be sure of their safety. Realistically, he knew this was the worst they've ever faced. Chances were low they were going to make it out unscathed. But the familiar, comforting surroundings of this place, with Buffy in his arms, her scent surrounding him…he could almost convince himself that everything was going to work out.


End file.
